Since You Didn't Ask

Since you didn’t ask
I thought I’d tell you
What it was like for me
When you broke

The days just before you cracked

Trying to hear you
Understand your logic
Separate what was normal
From what was unlike anything
We had spoken of before
            I was confused
 
Those intense days
When you called friends to talk religion
Interrupted them at work
Set up meetings with pastors
Tried to heal people
            I was humiliated

The sleepless nights

That you got up and documented your Madness
And demanded that I
Get up and do the same
Demanded
When you made us shut off Communication
With anyone you were scared of
Which was everyone close to us
            I was angry
            I was sick too by the way

The time you stared into the sun

Used a tone that was foreign to me
Sang songs that made no sense
Thought I was something I was not
Saw symbolism in nothing
            I was scared
            I knew something was wrong
            But I didn’t yet know what to do
     
That morning, that terrible morning
When you turned on me
Swore at me
Screamed at me
Threatened me
            I was terrified

In the ER when you hurt me

And then blamed me
            I was devastated

Those first few weeks in the hospital

Fighting for you with staff
Who were fighting with me
Documenting your thoughts
Which stayed confused for months
Sorting out my own
            I was exhausted
            I was alone

The days after you got out of the hospital

Before you went back into the hospital
The confused thoughts
There but slowly fading
Giving way
To deep sadness in our house
The trying to figure out how to help
            I was hopeless

The days after you came home again

And just sat and stared
Oblivious to the needs around you
Then aware but not concerned
            I was frustrated

The weeks you were unable or unwilling

To generate even one idea
To fill your time
Making that task fall on me
Though I had enough to think about
Enough to do
            I was overwhelmed

The months you relied on me

To determine how to keep you occupied
And show you how to live
While letting me know
That nothing I suggested
Was good enough
            I was tired

The days now

With you coming back to life
But not able to show compassion
To me
For all that I have been through
Because of you
            I am hurt
            Because I think now
            Unlike at first
            You have a choice
 

I thought I’d tell you

How it is for me
Because what I went through
While you were gone
            Matters
 
Even if you didn’t ask