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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Since You Didn't Ask

Since you didn’t ask
I thought I’d tell you
What it was like for me
When you broke

The days just before you cracked
Trying to hear you
Understand your logic
Separate what was normal
From what was unlike anything
We had spoken of before
            I was confused
Those intense days
When you called friends to talk religion
Interrupted them at work
Set up meetings with pastors
Tried to heal people
            I was humiliated

The sleepless nights
That you got up and documented your Madness
And demanded that I
Get up and do the same
When you made us shut off Communication
With anyone you were scared of
Which was everyone close to us
            I was angry
            I was sick too by the way

The time you stared into the sun
Used a tone that was foreign to me
Sang songs that made no sense
Thought I was something I was not
Saw symbolism in nothing
            I was scared
            I knew something was wrong
            But I didn’t yet know what to do
That morning, that terrible morning
When you turned on me
Swore at me
Screamed at me
Threatened me
            I was terrified

In the ER when you hurt me
And then blamed me
            I was devastated

Those first few weeks in the hospital
Fighting for you with staff
Who were fighting with me
Documenting your thoughts
Which stayed confused for months
Sorting out my own
            I was exhausted
            I was alone

The days after you got out of the hospital
Before you went back into the hospital
The confused thoughts
There but slowly fading
Giving way
To deep sadness in our house
The trying to figure out how to help
            I was hopeless

The days after you came home again
And just sat and stared
Oblivious to the needs around you
Then aware but not concerned
            I was frustrated

The weeks you were unable or unwilling
To generate even one idea
To fill your time
Making that task fall on me
Though I had enough to think about
Enough to do
            I was overwhelmed

The months you relied on me
To determine how to keep you occupied
And show you how to live
While letting me know
That nothing I suggested
Was good enough
            I was tired

The days now
With you coming back to life
But not able to show compassion
To me
For all that I have been through
Because of you
            I am hurt
            Because I think now
            Unlike at first
            You have a choice
I thought I’d tell you
How it is for me
Because what I went through
While you were gone
Even if you didn’t ask