How Do I Explain My Life?

How do I explain my life? 
How hard this is. Everyday.
How there really aren’t good days yet, just days that are less hard
How it is easier than this time last year but still so very hard.

My life is made up of pain. My life is made up of love.

Pain is: When he sleeps through my birthday

Love is: An invite to a raw food party on that very same birthday

Pain is: Another hospitalization

Love is: A sweet raw food chef keeping me company during that
             hospitalization

Pain is: Nothing for Christmas
Love is: An unexpected dehydrator on Christmas Eve and a call on
            Christmas morning while he was still sleeping (why
            wouldn’t he be sleeping)

Pain is: Sitting in my driveway extra long after work because being

            home is not appealing

Love is: Having plans to be out with friends during the weekends 

Pain is: Coming home to “what’s for dinner” though he is home all

            day are you serious

Love is: Talking to others who know the pain of doing it all

Pain is: Deciding everything…which invites to accept, what we do,

            where we go, what we eat

Love is: People that invite me out and decide where we are going
            and what we are doing

Pain is: Doing things that are good for him though I’m tired and
            he’s not thankful 
Love is: When people do the same for me

Pain is: Horrible memories that go deep and hurt bad

Love is: Being shown a way to make the memories fade away

Pain is: Wondering if he will be alive when I get home

Love is: Being reminded that I can only do so much

Pain is: No vacations in the recent past or foreseeable future

Love is: Unexpected simple good days

Pain is: Living with a spouse who hates life

Love is: Opportunities to laugh and live life

Pain is: Making hard financial decisions alone   

Love is: Working out a plan that gets us back on track

Pain is: Vaguely remembering what it was like not to be in pain

Love is: Signs of progress

Pain is: Not being able to feel deeply because feelings require

            energy and I’m fresh out of that

Love is: People who don’t mind that I don’t have a lot to give right
            now

Pain is: No motivation. No plans. No conversations. No opinions.

Love is: Someone else doing the planning and caring needed to
            make tandem biking a reality 

Pain is: Waiting to see if medicine will work and watching for signs

            that it doesn’t.

Love is: However many days we get with no side effects or signs of
            crazy

Pain is: No music in the house unless I sing it, no laughter unless I

            bring it, just nothing here

Love is: Anyone who brings music or laughter to my life in any
            form at any time

Pain is: Intentionally creating a life separate from him because life

            with him is not bearable

Love is: Any time he acknowledges something other than his own
            life, his own pain

Pain is: Always asleep before me and not up when I leave in the

            morning

Love is: All it took to get him into a program that gets him up in the
            morning

Pain is: “I love you” to his sleeping forehead each night whether he

             hears me or not

Love is: When he surprises me with a compliment or asks about my
             day

Pain is: Hurtful comments from people who don’t understand pain
Love is: Kind words from people who do understand pain

Pain is: Is this my life and how long can this go on

Love is: The ones who I know will be there no matter what life is for
             however long