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Monday, February 24, 2014

Cost Me

This journey
Has cost me

Alienated me
From family
And friends
Who have needed me
To be like minded

Whose acceptance
Was based on

This journey
Has also changed me
And made me wise

Even so
When I think about
What this journey
Has cost me

It hurts


Standing quietly
Looking out
Over what life
Might hold
For me

No choice in its coming
Only the choice
About whether to  
Acknowledge it
Introduce myself to it
Own my fear of it

And go towards it
Because it has to be
Gone towards

And it doesn’t matter
What I do
While I’m in it
Whether the journey is pretty
Or a mess at every step

It matters only
That I keep
Walking in it
And eventually through it
Because it has to be
Walked through

Whether I
Make peace with it
Or not


I am not sure
How much of life
Is us 
Writing our own stories
Making the right choices
Being open to opportunities
Crafting our futures
Creating our destinies

Versus us
Living our own stories
Choosing wisely 
From the options presented
But knowing
Life is what it is
Living the stories before us
Accepting what is acceptable
Changing what we can

I am not sure
What thought is more peaceful

The idea that
We have some sort of control
Over how life goes

Or the idea that
We all have a life before us
And our job is just
To live it well

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Sacred Witness

I have been
A sacred witness

To the life of another
Sitting quietly with
And watching
Life unfold
Acknowledging what is
Accepting a certain lack
Of control
Over the course
Life is taking

And now 
I have also been
A sacred witness

To my own life
To my own body
Sitting quietly with it
As it heals
Listening as it tells me
What it needs
Because it knows intuitively
More than I know logically

A strange kind of honor
To be a sacred witness
To myself

Sunday, February 9, 2014


It is hard
To have life
Fall apart
So publicly

To have
On display

Hard for one
Who prefers
Life lived
Under the radar
To live a life
So exposed

Is what it is

And very much so


Months of
Only to fall
No bearings
No landmarks
No hope
No future

Now weeks of
Standing and
Staying up
Far from ideal
But familiar now
So not as scary

A bit of hope
Some form of future
Though details
Still aren’t clear

Building on

Forward motion




Is making
Me crazy

Is pushing me
Over the edge

Wanting something
From me

Too many details
Required of
Detail girl
This week

Maybe it’s just
A tough week

Maybe it’s just
That life
Is hard

Maybe it’s just
I am in need of
A break

Or maybe
It’s just simply
That this week
I gave up coffee
The thing
That was keeping me civil
The thing that was keeping me kind 
The thing that was keeping me sane
Who knew

Monday, February 3, 2014


Have definitely
Been mixed

Those new to faith
Are encouraged to question
And those old in faith
Are encouraged to answer

Encouraged to find resolution
To the questions
So they can be
Solid Christians
So they can fit
Into a faith community

But there is an invisible line
A clock counting down
An unmistakable point
When questions
The best questions anyway
Are no longer welcomed
Are seen as divisive

After a time
The questions
Or the honesty
About the questions
Must stop

Because solid Christians
Can’t question that deeply

Because as you grow
In faith
The conclusions
Must fall into line

So one message
That has been mixed
For me
Is the message that
Questions are great
But good Christians
Don’t have deep questions
Are not good questions
Always good
No matter
How long
You have been
Practicing your faith

And another mixed message
There is no hierarchy
Of sin

Those are empty words

There is most certainly
An unspoken
Or outright stated
Manmade hierarchy
Of sin
Or maybe
Of brokenness

We cleaned up Christians
Are not that bad

Not as needy as
The addicted
The sexually confused
Those in complicated relationships
The outright criminals

We are not as bad as them
And we in fact
Are here
To save them

But shouldn’t it be
That we are here
To serve them
And just maybe
To learn from them

The “them”
That could never
Be us

We are too good for that
We know too much
We have all our questions answered
And God kind of
Loves us more
Because we are so solid
And sure

So another message
That has been mixed
For me
Is the message that
God loves us all
Without restriction
As is
But Christians
Who show love
Without restriction
Who have no need
To list out the ways
Someone else needs to change
Are not representing God
Well enough

Are not we all
Humble recipients
Of God’s grace
No strings attached
Thank you very much

Are we not all
Equally broken and
Equally loved

Have definitely
Been mixed

And they have mixed me up

And I’m un-mixing them now

Best I can
A little more
Each day