Dread

This morning
All these months later
It occurred to me
That the first feeling
I have felt
Every morning
For the last
Fourteen months
When I wake up
Is dread
For the day ahead

A quick flash

Of a feeling
Before I get out of bed
And shake it off
And live the day

But that first feeling

When I think of
The day ahead
Is unmistakably
Dread

A feeling

That has become
So much part of me
So unconscious
So routine
I didn’t even
Recognize it as odd

But today

I remembered
Mornings in the past
Waking up with hope
Anticipation
Looking forward
To what the day held
What life held

Sad that has left me

Sad I didn’t realize
How much was gone
How deeply gone
Is my hope

Not even sure now

That dread is warranted
But it’s there
Clear as day
Taking up the space
Where hope lived

Best I can do now

Is chip away
At the dread
Till it is no longer
Attached to my soul
 
Not looking for
Happy days just yet
Only the return
Of hope for
Happier days

That would be enough

That would be a start