Not Going To Answer It

I do not multi task

 

So if the phone rings

At a time when

I’m doing literally

Anything else

 

I’m not going to answer it

 

If it rings 

While I’m driving 

In my 20 year old

Bluetooth less Toyota

I’m not going to answer it

 

But also

If I did have Bluetooth

Even then

I wouldn’t answer it 

 

If my phone rings

While I’m home

Finally making a recipe

I’ve been waiting to try

I’m not going to answer it

 

If it rings

During the hour

I have happily set aside

To get lost in a read

I’m not going to answer it 

 

Should it ring

At days end 

While I’m  scrolling 

Social media 

Yes even then 

I won’t be answering it

 

If I’m talking 

In person

With any human

Be it neighbor, friend 

Mailman or cashier 

I’m not going to answer it

 

If I’m peacefully sitting

With my dog

Petting her

And telling her again

That she’s a queen

I’m not going to answer it

 

If I’m sitting on my couch

Silently going over words

In my head 

That will one day become 

A poem

I’m not going to answer it

 

There is a line

Sprawled for miles 

Of things fighting 

For my time 

 

And if I don’t protect 

What’s important to me

It disappears

 

And I can’t have that

 

So if you have a question

Maybe email it

 

That I will answer 

Usually the same day

But only

During the moments of my day

That I’m not already doing

Something I enjoy

So much more

Yelling At A Flower Store

Yelling at a flower store 

Not out loud of course

But internally for sure

 

Allegedly because I have a question 

And can’t find staff to help 

And I don’t have all day

Don’t even have all minute

Hurry it along please

 

I want to buy two things of flowers

To plop in the new whiskey barrels

That sit empty in front of my house

Though given to me as a gift

Three weeks ago

 

This getting of the flowers 

Not looked upon

With any level of enjoyment

Or anticipation 

But rather 

As yet another task

I’m late 

To get done

 

So despite the florist’s words

About the importance

Of custom designing the arrangements 

Based on what speaks to me

I can’t muster up care

 

Because what speaks to me now

Is the hard blue of exhaustion

The coral shades of apathy

The pale yellows of needing 

All the errands to end

So I can find me again

 

It’s Ok

It's Ok

To not love your job

 

To do work

That pays the bills

But doesn’t fill your soul 

 

Soul filling work

Isn’t all that common

Anyway

 

A rare gift reserved

For major league athletes

Hollywood actresses

And fairytales

 

It’s ok if you toil hard

So you can afford

To fit in 

The parts of your life

That fill you up

 

That make your imagination soar

 

That splash with color

 

And just the right words

 

And so much meaning that

It overflows from you 

Out onto the world

 

It’s ok if your job is not the thing

That inspires you

 

You are more than what 

You are paid for

 

And what you offer freely

From the deepest part of yourself 

 

The world couldn’t afford anyway 

 

 

Race

In a life that feels like a race

That feels like 

The first sound recalled

Is the starting shot 

Of the gun

Then the charge to run
Fast

Faster
Don’t stop
Don’t rest

Don’t you dare

Rest
Catch up
Pass if you can

Overtake

Or you will be

Overtaken

I’m going to stop running now

 

It’s time to walk

 

Because it is seeming like a trick

There was never going to be a finish line anyway

Was never going to be a place for celebration 

 

Never going to be permission to rest

Just a constant striving
A never ending sprint

I’m going to slow down now

Take my time
Enjoy the view 

 

Actually notice

There is a view

To enjoy

Wish the crowds 

Rushing by me well

 

Bask in the breeze

They make

As they pass

What We Are Healing From

Half the battle 

Of this life

Is acknowledging

What we are

Still healing

From

 

Personally

I’m still healing from 

 

Disappointing others

With how I live

And what I believe

Though I am living my truth

 

Disappointing myself

With how I let 

The opinions of others

Impact me

 

Disappointment overall

With the unfair

Unsteady way

This world works

 

With how people die too soon

How unkind words can leave permanent scars

How jobs pay our bills but don’t fill our souls

How illnesses linger

 

It’s a challenge

To live this life

And grieve it 

At the same time

 

To acknowledge

That this beautiful life

Often lets us down

And isn’t going to change

 

And that’s really ok

Because maybe 

I let life down too

 

Maybe life spends its spare time

Trying to figure out 

How to heal

From me

 

Maybe life

And the humans living it

Are in a constant clumsy

Dance 

 

Moving forward

In the only ways 

We know how

 

Doing our best

Along the way

Grow Faster

As Sequoias

Get older

They grow faster

 

Becoming 

More impressive

With age

 

And I intend

To do

The same

 

Worth The Risk

When Giant Sequoias

Are threatened 

Their cones close

Curl up into themselves

To survive

 

To this

I can relate

 

But they don’t 

Stay closed

 

Despite the damage caused

Despite any lingering pain 

 

Despite the utter disappointment

Of learning again

That the world

Is not safe

 

When the danger passes

The cones reopen

 

Offer themselves up 

To the world

 

Knowing this

Is the way 

To something better

 

Deciding 

It’s all worth

The risk

Whatever Your Dream Is

Whatever your dream is

 

Whatever is nudging you 

To consider

A fresh new career
A breathtaking trip 

A move to an unfamiliar place

Whatever is calling you to

 

Try a new recipe
Take a day trip 
Pursue a hobby

 

Whatever it is

Even if 

It’s something as simple

 

As planting a poetry post
In front of your house
Simply because 

You like words 

Maybe it’s time

 

Maybe today is the day

To take a step
In the direction 
Of that dream

Change

Here’s to people

Who take big leaps of change

By choice

 

Who shake things up

Willingly

On a regular basis

 

Because it’s usually

Someone else’s changes

That make me change

 

Someone else’s decision

To leave a job

That changes the nature

Of my job

 

Someone else’s decision 

To relocate

That turns my social circle 

Inside out

 

I do not change

By choice

 

I cling 

To each stage of life

Tightly

 

I hold on for dear life

 

Always feeling lucky 

To have made it 

To that space

 

Rather than considering that

 

Anything I have in life

Might be due

At least in part

To my own 

Good decisions

 

Anywhere I am in life

Might be the result

Of luck 

But also effort

 

Might be meant as

A stepping stone 

Along the path

To another

Destination

Rather than

A place 

I should 

Consider home

 

Hard not to view

Every place 

I find myself

As a life boat

I was just lucky 

To come across

 

Everything I have

As something

That will soon 

Be taken from me

If I’m not careful

 

It’s not relaxing

This way of thinking

 

Always feeling 

Like I’m just one step ahead

Of a very steep fall

 

Typically reacting to change

Rather than initiating it

 

Rarely leaping

But finding myself

In free fall 

Whenever others in my life

Do

To Become Real

I have spent

A fair amount

Of my adult life

Bringing myself

To life

To light

Moving myself

From the shadows

To the stage

Learning 

To give

Myself permission

To honor

The wisdom

Within me 

So forgive me

If I don’t

Come around

As much 

These days

It’s hard for me now

To let myself stay

Around those

Who would invalidate

My journey

And all it has taught me 

Who encourage me

To keep silent

Rather than to disagree

Who simply

Do not acknowledge

Any other

Perspective

Forgive me

If I cannot agree 

To be unacknowledged

When I’ve worked

So hard

To become real

 

 

Words Save Me

When the world is heavy

With discouragement

Cradling dread

That has seeped in

Spread out

Overtaken

 

Words save me

 

When the unspoken 

Dances back and forth

Endlessly and wild

In my mind

Wearing out 

My soul

 

Words save me

 

Words find me

And give form

To what is loose inside 

 

Words validate

Confirm

Comfort and guide

 

Words heal

 

Words give

Soft voices

A microphone

 

And wisdom

A platform

 

Words save me

 

What Is It Then

I wish I felt

Thank you

From a deeper place

Within me

Than I do

 

Wish I knew

How to muster up

Sincere gratitude

For that which I’ve never

Been deprived 

 

Wish the thankfulness

I naturally feel

When someone 

Clarifies something that has confused me

Takes a burdensome task from me

Or simply holds a door open for me

 

Would well up within me

Both daily and on days set aside

To honor the monumental sacrifices

Of those who have given up 

The comforts of their lives 

To make mine more comfortable 

 

What is it then

 

Is the sacrifice so big

That I shut it out

Of my soul

Knowing that 

To let it in 

Would also mean letting in 

My glaring unworthiness 

Of the gift

 

I wish I felt

Outrage 

At the first sign of injustice

Rather than having 

To coax it up out of me 

 

Wish I more willingly

Let the anger fire in

And used it to extinguish 

The drenching waves of wrong 

Which are drowning us all

 

Wish the indignity 

I naturally feel

When someone

Insults what I hold dear

Treats me as invisible

Fails to see my worth

 

Would rise up within me

Instantly and permanently 

To stand up for and beside 

Those who have been wronged

And hold space for the narrative

Of all involved 

 

What is it then

 

Is the injustice so disgraceful

That I shut it out

Of my soul

Knowing that

To let it in

Would also mean letting in

The deep pain of generations

A pain I’m not sure I can hold

 

Is it that I’m already broken

In so many ways 

That I opt out of pain

Presented as optional  

 

If not, what is it really

What is it then

Petals

Like the fragile hope

Of a child

Waiting at

The top of the stairs

Christmas morning

Letting herself

Imagine

What if 

All my wishes

Are about to 

Come true

Hope is 

A beautiful wildflower

On the verge

Of bloom 

Still 

There comes a day

Later if life is kind

That you learn

Many of your wishes

Maybe even most

Will not be 

Coming true

That it’s not as easy

As wishing

And getting

That not all flowers bloom

But they may still

Bring forth beauty

 

Not all flowers bloom

But when their unformed petals fall

They nourish the ground

For the ones that do

Possible

Despite

Heavy damage

Sustained

To its core

From flames

That have surrounded it

From forces

That would fell

Anything else

The Giant Sequoia

Is able to

Stand tall

Remain healthy

Continue growing

And that

Is how I learned

It was possible

Assumptions

There are
So many
Assumptions
Unchecked
 
And one piece of information
That I don’t go to church
Used to assume
Everything else
About me

The assumption that
Because our beliefs differ
Yours must be right
And mine must be wrong

That my refusal
To speak for Jesus anymore
Using outdated interpretations
Must mean you are holy
And I am lost
 
The assumption that
Because I think of God differently
I am far from God
And you are close
      Yet here I am
      Tucked in close
      Beside God
 
That because I dump love
On the world
With no hidden agenda
Other than presence

I am doing
A disservice
To humanity

When your assumptions
Your requirements
Your stringent set of rules
That keep everyone out
Except you

Just might be the biggest
Disservice
Of all