who grieves and lives
and searches for God
while grieving and living.
Sometimes life takes a brutal turn. This became true for me when my husband - who was in the process of dealing with a physical disability - suffered a mental breakdown which traumatized us both. He didn’t bounce back quickly.
Life goes on but nothing is the same. Life is not sweet anymore. It’s difficult every day. Everything I believed about God - everything I believed about anything actually - has been overhauled. It is still being overhauled. What I believe now is not neat and clean. It is filled with questions. It welcomes mystery. Most importantly to me, what I believe now feels closer to true than it ever has before so for that I am thankful.
Early on - during the worst of times - God was silent. Silent except for one nagging question that came to me as I sat in the middle of the mess that had become my life through no fault or choice of my own. The simple question:
“What do you see here?”
I have been answering that question every day.
It’s all I can do.
This is what I see here.