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Monday, August 26, 2013


I forgot
How this works

I forgot that
The only way
To find peace

The only way
To make the pain
Stand down
When it kicks up again

Is to have no 

Of him
Of the situation

It’s the expectations
That lead to disappointment

And he is in no frame of mind
To meet expectations

So for now
I will think only of  
The expectations
I have
Of me

And they are
To be kind
To be resourceful
To be patient
And when I’m not feeling patient
To shut up

To remember that
He is mostly broken still
With small pieces of wholeness

Instead of mostly whole
With small pieces of brokenness

There are so many ways
My expectations
Go unmet

But the question
For me is
Can I meet
My own expectations

My Life Ended That Day

My life ended that day
The day you heard about
The day your heart broke upon the hearing
The day long since forgotten by many
And rightly so
It’s not anyone else’s battle
But my own

A distant memory for most
So much time has passed
Time spent by some
Traveling to new places
Smelling the flowers
Making memories with loved ones

But my life ended that day
And since that day
There have been no vacations
No smelling of flowers
No peaceful time with loved ones

Just a long hard journey
To find life again
And figure out
How to live it
The answer
Is just

Some time off to clear your mind

A weekend away for fun

Buy something new just for kicks

A little extra to make someone’s day

Big shiny exciting future plans

Ok forget about the fun stuff
How about the responsible stuff

Replace leaky toilet

Hire a plumber to install the free washer

New windows

Repave the driveway

Pay off debt
Oh you can try
But don’t be surprised
If the answer

Fun stuff
Responsible stuff

The answer
To most every question
That comes up
Is just


My life
Just flat out
Devastates me

Just doesn’t cooperate
With my efforts

I know
Life is hard
For everyone
But is it this hard
For this long
For everyone

Maybe it is
And they are all heroes

Maybe others do better
At missing all
I am missing

Maybe others are ok lacking
A home with hope and happiness

Maybe others don’t wish for
A kinder life
A little more peace

But these are things that everyone deserves
These are things that anyone would miss

And not having them is hard

Not having them is
Like having no control
Over the script
Someone is writing
For your life
But being forced
To show up anyway
And act

A miserable show
With terrible acting
Pitiful to watch
Pitiful to live

But temporary
I swear to God temporary
Because I am a script writer at heart
Not a powerless actress

My life circumstances are pitiful
The choices I have to make are pitiful
The pain I feel most of the time is pitiful

But I
Am not

Though life crushes me
Fresh all the time
I am not pitiful

That much I know

Shut Doors

I used to wonder
What would be worse

Having something precious
And losing it
Or living a whole life
Without something precious

Knowing only
What you’ve always had or
Forever knowing
What you’ve lost

I used to wonder
But I don’t wonder
Any more

I think now
That it’s worse
To know
What you’ve lost

Worse to have doors
To happier times
Slammed shut
So painfully
In so many ways

Worse to have doors
Shut and solid
Except for a tiny cruel window
That lets you peer through
And see clearly 
All you used to have
All you can’t have now

I wish I didn’t remember
What a good life was

I wish I didn’t know
What was beyond the
Shut doors

Sunday, August 18, 2013


Early on
Everything was

I lost me
I lost God
I lost him

And the road back
Or not back
But out of the emptiness
Has been so hard

And along the way
I have found me and
I have found God

But I have not
Found him

Is still lost
To me

May not
Be back

Or he may
Be back
But not
In time

I just don’t know
How much longer
I can wait

But whatever happens
I am proud of me

I have worked
So hard

I have come
So far

I have changed
So much

I am
So proud
Of that

Proud of all
I’ve worked hard
To get back

But sad
At what still
Remains lost


We only
Hear about
The exceptions

Disabled people
Who are

The Jonis
The Bocellis
The blind mountain climbers
The limbless Olympians

I realize now
I only ever heard
About the exceptions
The admirably disabled

I never thought to wonder
Where were the others
Where were the unexceptional

The angry ones

The ones
Who can’t
Make peace
With their loss

The ones
Who would rather die
Than live
A limited life

The ones
Too sad
To try

I know now
That the exceptional
Are few

And I know now where
The unexceptional are

I know
Where one is

I know now
That the disabled
Who suffer
Are hidden away

Struggling through life
Battling through loss

The majority

But out of view
And in many ways

It Hurts

My efforts
Aren’t working

But so much hurts
Right now

It hurts to hold on
It hurts to step away

It hurts to watch him

It hurts to
Go to bed after him
Get up before him
Barely a good night
Or a good morning

It hurts that he doesn’t
Say much when I’m home or
Miss me when I’m gone

It hurts that his life
Includes no one
But him

It hurts that he
Never make plans
Has nothing to look forward to

It hurts that he is
Not clear minded
Off medicine
Not present
With medicine

It hurts
That it’s becoming
A relief
Less work for me

To stop working so hard to
Have conversation with him
Have a life with him
Be home with him

A relief
But so sad
That whether I’m
Wearing myself out
To keep him

Or wondering
How much longer
Until I leave him

He doesn’t notice
A difference
Has no response
Either way

Lives alone
Inside his head
With his pain

And leaves me
Out here
It hurts


Do we find God
Or does God find us

Who finds who

Maybe you both
Have to be looking
At the same time

Maybe if God looks away
While you are looking for God
God is not found

Maybe if you look away
While God is looking for you
You are not found

However it works
It’s better now that
God has found me or
I have found God

But being found
Or finding
Don’t make life
Less tragic

A little less confusing maybe
A little less lonely yes

But not
Less tragic

Not at all

Monday, August 12, 2013

Big Broken World


Broken systems
Broken people

Broken people
Broken lives

Not surprised
At the brokenness

Just disappointed
At how badly
Things are broken
In the world of mental health
In the world period

So much brokenness
Makes me wonder
Is anyone whole

I want to meet them
Touch them
Then slap them

OK maybe not slap them
But stand in awe of them
Marvel at their wholeness

Ask them how
To get closer
To whole

When the pathway
To whole
Seems so


I am not afraid to feel
I do it all day long

I just don’t like
How feeling
Right now

My mind
All that’s hard
In my life

Someday maybe
Feeling will feel

And I will
All that’s peaceful
In my life

Entertain hope

But not yet


Sunday, August 4, 2013

Soul Tired

I am tired

Soul tired
Not sleep tired

Needing rest
But not sleep

Do you give
Your soul
A nap

Too Easy

You are making this
Too easy
Or so hard
That it’s becoming

Your response
When I say again
I can’t do this
Too much longer

Though you asked me
To talk to you
Said you wanted to hear
What I had to say

Me talking at you
Repeating the same old concerns
You not responding

So why did you ask

Your reaction
When I say that I
Can’t keep living alone with you
Can’t continue building a full life
Separate from you
Can’t keep watching you do nothing
While you watch me do everything

Futile to keep
Asking you to live
When you
Don’t want to

I’m not even asking
That you
Love me

That’s a request for
A different time
A stronger you

I’m asking
That you
Love you

Because maybe
When you love you
You will want to live

And when you want to live
You may care again about love

And living is what I want for you
And loving is what I want for us

Are you getting this
I’m not asking you to see
I’m asking you to live

Because I can figure out
How to live
With blind you
But I cannot figure out
How to live
With lifeless you

I cannot
Figure out
How to live
With someone
Who is dead inside
And doesn’t care
To find out why