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Monday, July 28, 2014


I was taught
How to live and
What to believe

By someone

As we all are

That is not
What upsets me

What upsets me is
I was taught
Just one way to live
Just one way to believe

One right way
All other ways wrong

One right lens
Through which
To view
The world

All other lenses

All other lenses black

One lens
Giving a snapshot view
Of a panoramic world

Monday, July 21, 2014


It’s OK
To need a break
And not really
Even know
What that

To know only
That it involves
Sitting still
Somewhere quiet
Letting thoughts settle
Letting worries roll off
Letting go of it all
For a while


With a future
That is gray
Dreams that are futile
Pain that’s always present
Each day survived

With a future
That is bright
Plans that excite
Dreams that come true
Peace that’s always present
Each day lived

I know
Which life
I have

And it scares me
I can no longer
Imagine it

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Not Awful

Life is not awful
It’s just
A little sad

I miss things

I miss life’s little luxuries
I miss picking where I want to go on vacation
I miss the anticipation of a new purchase
I miss that little high you get from new stuff
I miss the thinking something good might happen
I miss not having to think so hard about buying things for fun 
I miss buying kayaks and writing desks on a whim
I miss wasting money actually
I miss not feeling sucker punched every time something in my house breaks
I miss not feeling in a race against time to pay down debt before the next hammer drops
I miss how much easier my old life was

Life is not awful
But life is not good

And I can’t say
I’ll be sad
When it’s

Keep God

I had
To get rid
Of knowing anything
For sure

I had
To undo
All I’d learned
About God

I had
To think differently
About the way
God works

I had
To step away
From those
Who couldn’t
Question deeply

Or tolerate
Deep questions

I had to stand alone
I had to make some kind of sense
I had to come to different conclusions

I had to
Do these things

It was
The only way
I could
Keep God


I see God now
In everything
All the time

In people
In clouds
In passing comments
In furry pets
In warm souls
In wonderful food

Unmistakably there

That I see
So clearly now
Without effort

How come
I couldn’t
See you then

That I want to believe
Is everywhere
All the time

Where were you
When my world
Went black

I want to know

Because how
Can I say
You are everywhere
If I can’t
Figure out
Where you were

Exactly where were you God
Where was my help

As he was starting to lose his mind
As his confusion grew deeper
When my sense of safety fell apart
When he covered himself in feces
When he screamed threats in my face
When hospitals released him unwell
When I was begging for guidance
When I lived for months
A breath away
From the edge
Of a black hole
To nowhere

Were you there at all

Were you there
In people
In clouds
In passing comments
In furry pets
In warm souls
In wonderful food
But I didn’t see You
Because none
Of those things

And if you were there
Then why
Weren’t you there
In ways I could see

Why weren’t you there
In ways that mattered

So hard still
For me
To accept

That I’m sure
You knew
Where I was God

But I just
Don’t know
Where you were

Sunday, July 6, 2014

You Can't Have That

So much
In my life
Ends with
You can’t
Have that

Or maybe

Is not

But life
You don’t win

You can’t make me unkind
You can’t steal my soul
You can’t turn me bitter


There is much
I can’t have
From you life

But guess what

There is much more
That you can’t have
From me

I Hope

I hope
Those around me
Feel always free
To be honest

To say
Life disappoints me today

To scream
Loud and fierce
When they need to

To feel no pressure
To keep it together
When life is breaking apart
Around them

To say openly
I’m so confused
When surrounded
By confusion

I hope
Those around me
Can be exactly
Who they are

And I hope
I can
Be that
Right back