Personally

I have decided
Not to take
My messed up life
Personally

I’ve decided that

My painful life
And astounding inability
To get what I want
Out of it
Isn’t because
I made
Worse decisions
Than others
Or because  
I did so much wrong
And others did so much right

But simply
Because
I drew the short straw

My one way marriage

Where I solve problems
While he creates them
Doesn’t make me
A bad judge of character
Just someone who
Wasn’t able
To predict
The future

My career

That doesn’t pay enough
To support two lives
The way I wish
Was a choice
That made sense
At the time

My inability

To keep up
With the repairs
On my house
Doesn’t make me a bad person
Or an irresponsible planner
Just a person
Without enough money
To fix things

I am no longer

Taking personally
What has become
Of my life

I will figure out

How to fix it

I will someday
Move beyond it
 
I will leave what needs to be left
Let go of what can’t be fixed
 
But I will not
Take it
Personally
Any
More

Reject

I reject you
Simple faith
For saying all suffering
Ends with acceptance
Ends happy
Ends at all

For saying God

Is only in
The type of suffering
That’s resolved quickly
And with grace

For saying  

If you show
How painful
Pain is
You fail

I reject you

When I find you
In churches

I reject you

When I find you
In people

I reject you

When I find
Traces of you
Still in me

I reject you

For failing me

I reject you

For not acknowledging
My difficult reality

I reject you
For erasing my experience
For erasing me
And smiling while you do it

I reject you

For making me feel unwelcome
Unworthy
Guilty for my pain
 
I reject you
So completely

Which frees up

The space in me
I need
 
To figure out
What kind of faith  
I will accept

Love

I used to think
Love was all
That was needed
To make a happy life
Build a happy marriage

I was wrong

When did love

Become no longer enough

I don’t know

I love him

But love isn’t enough
I need something more

Which makes me wonder too

About God’s love for me
Is that enough

It doesn’t feel like it lately

My love for him

God’s love for me

Neither enough

To make  
My life
Happy
Or good

I need something more

But what

I don’t know

Actual Life

My actual life
Gets in the way
Of the life planned
In my mind

Planned life

Is a beautiful
Train ride
Through scenic
Landscapes

Actual life

Is a hot shit
Train wreck

It just is

Actual life

Messing up
Planned life

Life
Getting in the way
Of life

Go figure

Looking Forward

What makes
A hard life good
Is having things
To look forward to
And people
To look forward
To things with

That's lacking

For me lately

What is it

That I'm 
Looking forward to
Happiness
Love
Prosperity

No

Not anymore
Not anytime soon

So I think I'll stop

Feeling bad
About how hard it still is
To look forward 

And do my best

To continue
Looking down
Just one foot length
In front of me
At a time

That seems doable
To focus on single steps

Because every so often

A step
Surprises me  
Reminds me
That life
Could still possibly
Be good

Money

When it comes
To money
I don’t have it

And that limits me

And there’s a lot I can’t do
And that bothers me

But there’s a lot I can do

I can buy birthday presents

For the kids in my life

I can buy the perfect ingredients

For a new recipe

I can get myself clothes

When I need to

I can get him two new pairs of shoes

On no special occasion

I can take my dog to the vet

And reward him with a bone

I can buy whatever medicine is needed

I can get pizza and wine

Every week
After food shopping

I can get my hair cut

And buy my favorite shampoo

I can color my hair

When it’s gray

I can bring a good gift to a baby shower

I can do all this

And still
Pay all of my bills on time
Keep myself out of overdraft
Make progress on paying down debt

That is amazing to me

Because

Many people
Don’t have this luxury

Have barely

What they need
To pay bills
And nothing more

Many are robbed

Of the brief flash of happiness
That comes from   
Finishing out a month
With needs covered
And responsibilities met

No, I can’t do it all

But I’m doing what I can

So please don’t be offended world

If I sometimes pick
 
Getting a kid’s birthday present
Over dinner out with you

Getting a new outfit

Over coming to your candle party

Hiring an electrician

Over a weekend away with friends

These are the choices

I need to make
And though they are tricky
And I don’t think they’re forever

I make them daily

And I make them well

Right At The Point

I never understood
The appeal of drugs
When being clear minded
Feels so good

Or the pull toward

Reckless spending
When being debt free
Feels so good

Silly me

I get it now

It’s because

Life
Is really
Painful

Because sometimes

Feeling good
Is out of reach

Because a good buzz
And shiny new things
Truly do
Provide relief
From the pain

And pain hurts

And who

Doesn’t want
Relief

Though I do think

It’s right at the point
Where pain is felt
Deepest
 
Right at the point
Of knowing
That pain
Can’t be
Out smarted or
Out run

Right at the point of

I can’t do this anymore and
What are my options
 
Right exactly at that point
That’s where real life is

That’s where

We must decide
What to do
With the pain

Numb it

Reversing months
Of sobriety or
Careful budgeting

Or

Feel it
Endure the full extent
Of its awfulness
And find a way
To live with it

Suffering Alone

I’m pretty sure
We can’t
Stop people
From suffering

But I’m pretty sure

We can
Stop people
From suffering
Alone

It’s really

The least
We can do
For each other

Questions

For so many months
The only thought
The only questions
Asked were
How is he doing
Is he ok today
Will he be ok in the future

So many months

Focused on
The one
Who needed
So much

It’s nicer now

To ask myself
The questions
I once only thought
To ask him

How am I doing

Am I Ok today
Will I be OK in the future

I don’t know his answers

I only know mine

I’m doing OK

Having more good days than bad
Will be fine in the future

I don’t
Ask him questions
Anymore

It’s not my job

My wellbeing

Is no longer linked
To his answers

And while the questions

Are still important

They are questions

He needs
To ask
And answer
For himself