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Monday, August 28, 2017

I Am 46

I am 46
But will be 51
When the new windows
Just installed
To replace the ones
Literally crumbling
Off of our house
Are paid off

I am 46
With still one year left to pay
On the smartly paved driveway
Which replaced the one
With the dirt sunken holes
That made it undriveable

I am 46
And the stone stairs
That lead into my home
Have just this week
Which is immediately hazardous
And imminently costly

I am 46
And have once again
Set aside my dream
Of standing in the shadows
Of the Sequoias
Even on our 20th anniversary
Not because we don’t deserve this
Everybody deserves this

But because
I still can’t
Afford it

And all of this
Is so incredibly

Until I remember
I am 46
With a car parked comfortably
In my paved driveway
And stone stairs
That lead into a home
With warm new windows
A home that is safe
A home that is a refuge
A home that is nice to be inside of
A home that is enough

And I think
How lucky I am
At 46
To have
All this

Either Or

I wonder if I
Will ever learn
How to stop
Living either or

Living and

I am competent and I make mistakes
I am brave and I am also afraid

I am confident and I also doubt myself
I am peaceful and I am disappointed

I love people and I love solitude
I am disciplined and I also wonder aimless

I wonder if
I will ever

That my mistakes
Don't make me unworthy
My fears don't make me useless
My need for quiet does not make me weak

That I
Am not
One thing at a time
I am
Many things
All the time
All of us
All the time
Not one thing or the other
But more

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Life Stands Still

As the lives
Of those around me

Spin with

Fill with

Launch into

It feels like
My life
Stands still


Same house
Same job
Same days

No new adventures
In site

No money
To fund
New adventures
If they came

Not sure I mind
The stillness

Given my need
For calm

Some lives spinning
Some lives still

And me here
Watching it all