Get Ahead Of It

When you see
My pain
Please know

I don’t need you

To get ahead of it

Or tell me it will be ok

You can’t

Get ahead of it

And it might not

Be ok

When you see

My pain
If you chose to stay
I need you only
To stand near

To witness it
With me
In silence
At times

To see what I see

And resist
Offering
Any
Explanation
Not based
On personal
Experience

The view from

Behind the pain
Is harsh

It will take from you

Show you your humanness
Highlight your helplessness

That is why

We run ahead of it

But the view
From behind the pain
Is unmatched

It will

Change you forever
Build strength deep within
And make you wise

Gifts received only

By following
The pain
We would really
So much rather
Get ahead of

Protecting

God of the details
Who knows each hair
On my head

Who answers
Specific and urgent requests

Who meets secret needs

That’s

Not always true
Is it

Lots of times

Urgent prayers
Go unanswered

Lots of times

No needs are met
Be they secret or glaring

Lots of times

Specific or vague requests
Are not acknowledged

And that reality

Is OK

What’s not Ok

Is the insistence
On ignoring
The reality
Of a sometimes
Silent
God

On protecting God’s reputation

As if that is needed

What’s not Ok

Is when we look reality
In the face
And deny it

When we do that

We are not protecting God

We are protecting

What we want
To be true
About God

Writing God’s story

 
Instead of learning
From the story
God is telling

You Can't Know

Unless
You’ve picked
Your spouse up
From a mental hospital
At least
A couple
Of times
You can’t know

Unless
You’ve driven directly
From the hospital
To the barber
Or to a restaurant
To delay
The going home
You can’t know

Unless

You’ve had to practice
Standing peacefully
In each room
Of your house
To erase
The memories
Made there
You can’t know

Unless

You’ve sat with him
Hours, weeks, months
During confusion
You can’t know

Unless

You’ve kept
Both of you
Afloat
While you waited
For confusion
To lift
You can’t know

Unless

You’ve felt the chill
Of seeing
I Give Up
In his eyes
Yet again
You can’t know

Unless

You’ve sat
Extra minutes
In your driveway
Gathering courage
Afraid this
Might be the day
He’s done it
You can’t know

You can see

The very tip
Of the massive iceberg
Underneath

You can catch

The faintest
Glimpses

But unless

You’re the one
It’s happening to
You really
Just can’t
Know

Many Days

Many days
I woke up
Beyond empty

Certain

I couldn’t 
Face the day
Without God’s comfort

And there was no comfort

And the day happened anyway

And I got through that day

And the next one
And the one after that

Many days

The thought
Of a life
Without him
Was unthinkable

And then he was gone

Mentally vacated

And I lived my life anyway

And it changed me

Permanently
From within

There is

An unspeakable
Depth
Of despair

Walking face first

Into more
Than you can bear

In the bitter revelation

That no relief is coming
That life is happening anyway

You do it

Because you have to
If you
Want to
Live
 
You do it
Though it
Forever
Leaves you
Wondering

Why

Such deep
Reserves
Of courage

Are demanded

From reserves

That have
Long since
Run dry

Truth Comes With A Price

Quiet observations
Important questions

Looking around
Looking deeper

Giving voice
To what I see

Respectfully
But not timidly
Shining light
Into spaces
Where questions live

Where ideas need revisiting

Healing myself
With honesty and
Truthfulness
 

But truth
Comes with
A price

People leave
Think less of
Offer only silence
 

Interesting
They don't
Usually offer
Discussion

Or hey that right there
Is a brave question

Or wow that take on things
Really makes me think

No kudos for courage here

But the sweetest peace
The most beautiful calm
From a place
So deep
Within
 

Keep Going

Keep
Writing

Keep

Shining

Keep

Going

Doesn’t matter

Who reads
The words

No one

Everyone

Doesn’t matter

What they think
Of my life
Or me

Only matters

That I write
Without fear

Clear like water

Hiding nothing

Offering to the world

A true

Reflection
Of the life
Before me

Living real life

With courage
Without shame

Freeing others

To do
The same

Awake

I live
Life knowing
Life changes
With the wind

And this knowing

Stops my breath
Leaves me cold

But I am not afraid

I am awake

I know now

Full well
What life
Can hold

Know it can go
To places
I shudder
To remember

And to places

Far worse
That I haven’t
Yet been

I go where life goes

On the wind

Into the fire
Awake now

And no longer

Surprised