To Forgive

To forgive
Is to release
Self and other
To let go

Usually done                                         

With the expectation
That what is being forgiven
Won’t happen again
Anytime
Soon

The thing forgiven

Clearly identified
Before actually
Being forgiven
 
So God
What is it
That I am needing to
Forgive you for

For not being

What I thought you were

For not sticking around

To comfort me

For rolling out a plan

In my life
That I think is crappy

For letting me think

You had more power
Than you do

For letting me live

For so long
With a flawed understanding
Of you
But still not
Telling me who You are
 
For surrounding me
With people
That believed
Too simply
But at least believed
 
Maybe I need to
Forgive you first
For not staying close
During some terrible days

And maybe I need to forgive me

For expecting that
Of you
And more

Troubling though

Because God
You have always been
A refuge
But not this time
This time
A let down

And this confusion

Is a problem
Because I don’t know
How to forgive
What I don’t understand

And I still

Don’t
Understand

Are you

All good
Or mostly good
All powerful
Or mostly powerful

Or something altogether different

Am I just plain missing

A whole other
Option
That matters more

An option that says

Goodness and power
Are not important
But living in the mystery
Is something to consider

An option that says

Rejecting solutions
That reject the mystery
Is as right as it feels

But how do I do this God

This year

I know more
About what you are not
But I don’t quite know
What you are

And I think I need to know that
In order to have
Expectations
That are accurate

For today

All I know to do is
Accept and
Reject

Accept that good can come from anything

Reject that horrific loss is good

Accept that you show love by many means

Reject that you stay close at all times

Accept that life is mostly good

Reject that good makes bad less painful

Accept

Reject
Set aside for later

That’s what I do

With what I don’t understand
The only way
To survive
So much uncertainty