Let Myself Remember

Mostly I move forward
Walk gently
Live open
Without fear

Despite all

That I
Have been through

But on this day
I stop

I let myself remember
 
All of it
 
Every painful detail

On this day
I allow myself
To feel
The full depth
Of what
I lived through

I do this
To honor
Me
 
To show my pain
Well deserved
Respect

I do this
Because I survived
The unthinkable

I did that

I made it

And while I’m
Not one
To sit and dwell

This day
Is sacred

Set aside

To let myself
Remember
The pain

A difficult practice

Perfected in solitude

That also

Reminds me clearly

Of my strength

I Remember

Every time I hear
About someone written off
As crazy
 
I remember
When someone I love
Was written off
As the same

Every time I hear
If that happens again
I’m going to kill myself
Said only as a joke
 
I remember
That someone important to me
Really almost killed himself
And someday still might
 
Every time I am reminded
That even now
People would rather me not talk
About what I have survived
 
I remember
The unbearable isolation
Of those difficult years
 
And I am humbled
 
Because I also remember
Times gone by

When I would joke
About someone needing their meds
If their behavior was different

And how funny
That was to me then
Before I loved someone
Whose life meds
Have saved

The difference is clear
Before I didn’t know

And now
I remember

Psychosis

Words that spill out fast
Unable to keep up
With the pace of thoughts
Moving faster

Everything seen

As a sign
Of something else

Numbers and patterns

And meaning
That is not there

Nonsensical ideas repeated

Certainty that you

Are someone
You are not

A very clear mission

In your mind
And no ability
To explain
The logic of it

Middle of the night

Wake ups to share
Garbled thoughts
No concept of the time
Or interruption

A loud and

Demanding
Listen To Me
Tone

And you won’t stop talking

Talking
Talking

Because you are manic

Manic
Manic

On the fast track

To psychosis

Unaware
Of how fast
You are spiraling

Oblivious

To your need
For help

Triggers

Basil scented
Meyers brand
Cleaning solution

Humidifiers

Gift shop rocks

With the word courage
Engraved

Bronchitis

These

Are just a few
Of my triggers

Each one

Uniquely linked
To my pain

Each one demanding

That I pause
Breathe deep
And remember
A harder time

I wonder

How many of us

Have triggers

 

Triggers that serve

As a parting gift

Of a trauma survived

 
Of an experience
That has left us
Changed

Callings

Each of us
Uniquely broken
Into pieces
That leave in us
Our life’s calling

Callings

Diverse in purpose
But not intensity

And though I admit

I am often
Fully consumed

Life deep in the causes

That my own broken heart
Has led me to

Each time I lift

My tired eyes

I am overcome with awe

At the sight of my sisters
Living their own callings
Just as deeply
 
I see us weary and driven

I see us not giving up

I see us

Changing this world

With our passion
And our pain

And I am happy

To do
My part

 

The callings around me that inspire me now…

Breast cancer awareness
Cannabis reform
Disability / Inclusion
Dog rescue
Mental Illness awareness
Racial equality
Women’s Rights
etc…

What I Mean

The return
Of a certain
Intensity of tone

The recognition

Of behaviors
Once subdued
With medicine

The every so often

Letting myself wonder
What my life
Would have been like
Without this

Knowing exactly

The steps I could take
To have that life

The acknowledgement

That a brain once broken
Is forever fragile
Always in need of
Protection

This is

What I mean
When I say
Mental illness is
Never over
Never easy

This is

What people
With brains
Never broken
Just don’t
Understand

I Honor

Today
I honor

The damage done

The dreams left behind

How much

It all
Still hurts

I do not wait

For validation
From those
Who have decided
That my pain is over

I only smile

At their presumption
That pain like this ends

Today

I honor me

I honor my pain

I honor my losses
I honor my sacrifice

I honor my survival

I honor my efforts

To rebuild this life
From the rubble

I honor my spirit

Which though broken
Still remembers
How to soar

Eyes To See

I wonder sometimes
How I missed
The signs
That pain
Was surely
Coming

I look back

With sadness
At my open hearted
Unsuspecting
Self

Amazed that

I didn’t

See any of it
Coming

I didn’t yet

Have eyes
To see

We don’t fear

What we don’t know exists

Only later

Once bitten
Do we look at jaws
And tremble

Only once

We have survived
A loved one’s journey
Into mental illness
Do we hesitate
In the presence
Of warped logic

We don’t fear

What we don’t know exists

We take no precautions

Against what we don’t know
Can hurt us deeply
And change us
Forever