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Monday, October 28, 2013

With Time

Doesn’t always
Get better
With time

Sometimes pain
Doesn’t ease
And time
Only confirms
Its depth

I think it depends on the pain

I can make
This pain
Go away

By making him
Go away

An option
That grows
More appealing
Each day

An option
Not without pain
But a pain
That would ease
Not intensify
With time

Who I Was Before

I'm not
Who I was

That person
Was swept away
With my old life

So when people act
Like nothing has changed
Either because
They don't know it has
Or because
They don't want to admit it has

It is confusing

Nice but
Kind of offensive

Like getting
A compliment
On something
You no longer

A little painful
Disappointing people
With who I am

A little painful
All the love
For the me
I used to be

Not much
For the me
I am now

Monday, October 21, 2013


Who avoid
In pain
Because they don’t know
What to say

I am one of those people

I have avoided
And I have been avoided

So I kind of suck too

That is how I know that
I didn’t know what to say
Is often just code for
I didn’t want to see your pain
I didn’t want to witness
What you have to endure
I didn’t want your pain
To disrupt my life
I didn’t want to do it

No one
Really knows
What to say

But words
Are secondary
To presence

Being willing to
Come alongside the hurting
Listen to the confusion
Tolerate a fair amount of ranting
See the ugliness that accompanies pain
Feel the waves of confusion
Acknowledge the dark unknown
Experience the constant discomfort
Admit that relief
Isn’t coming soon
It’s not about finding the right words
It’s about deciding how close
To get to the hurting

That is hard
That is what people avoid
That is what many
Aren’t willing
To do

That is why

So many
Are alone
In their pain
And no one knows
What to say


I wonder sometimes
What long term damage
He will have
From the medicines
He takes
To help him

I wonder sometimes
What long term damage
I will have
From carrying  
This much sadness inside
For this long

Neither is optional

But I do wonder sometimes
About these things
Which are
Changing us
From the inside out


I don’t ask things
Of God

All my energy
Is spent up

God sees all
Knows the pain of my life
Knows what is needed
Knows how the need can be met
Knows the needs that will go unmet

I believe God is compassionate
I believe God cares
I believe God works through people
I believe God works in people

So I don’t think
It’s about me
Asking God
Again and again
For what I need

I think it’s more
About God
Asking people, myself included
Again and again
To meet the needs
That God reveals
To alleviate the burdens
Within reach


Some days
Loss screams in my ear
Lack yells in my face

Tells me
How far I have to go
All I am missing
What little I have to look forward to

But I already know
What I’ve lost
I’m very clear
On what my life lacks

No need to scream
No need to yell

I can hear me
Quietly listing
Each loss, every lack
Just fine
On my own

Sunday, October 13, 2013

What God Intended

So much in this world
Is not
What God

That is what
I have
To believe
I have to believe
If God had things
God’s way
The world would have less
Bitter pain
Life altering damage
Unfixable brokenness
Gut wrenching grief

I have to believe
If God had things
God’s way
There would be
Deeper wells of love
Wider stretches of comfort
More time lost in laughter
Longer soul filling breathes

What is
Is not
What God

It just can’t be

Who would intend
A world like this
On people
So well loved

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Strong Men

Strong men die
Nice guys have psychotic breaks
Marriages end
Disease wins
The innocence
Of children
Is stolen

Merciless suffering
Unbearable pain

This is life

The part of life
That must somehow be
Reconciled with
God loves you

It has to be reconciled
Or life will be shallow

Or there will always be
Things deep inside
Not spoken of

It has to be reconciled
Or there will be a disconnect

Between life as we want it
And life as we know it

Between God as we want God
And God as God is

A Hard Balance

It’s a hard balance
Deciding how much
Or how little now
To help him

Letting him be
Who he wants to be
Even if that means
He wants
To be no one
To do nothing

A hard balance
Living my life
Not stopping to ask
Him to come along

A hard balance living
Without asking him
To live

A hard balance living
With him but
Without his company

I’m just being polite really

Feels rude
Not to ask him
To come along
To live

But it gets old
To ask and have
The invitations

It gets old
To keep asking

It gets old
To keep balancing
Us both