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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Memories of Trauma

Memories of trauma
Make me feel
Powerless
And I don’t like feeling powerless

Those confusing days were like
Falling off a cliff
In slow motion
Allowing time for a billion thoughts
During the descent

Am I falling
I can’t believe I’m falling
I can’t stop the fall
I can’t save him
I can’t save myself
I am now just waiting to crash

Then the crash
Its impact
Just as bad
No worse
Than I thought it would be

Life went from sweet and simple
To terrible and complicated
Just like that

From laughing freely
To fear of the sound of laughter

From trust
To caution

Now months later
Any time I see a cliff
I feel the impact of the crash

It’s not logical
Or is it
Wondering
Could I be taken by surprise again
And could I handle it if I was

I’m a good thinker
Never a quick thinker
I did what I could
But more probably could have been done
And sooner

Maybe if we had more family around
To hear his thoughts getting cloudy
More people to see something was off
Maybe a lot of things

Doesn’t much matter
That things are better now
And there is no logical reason
To fear

Trauma is not logical
And the pain is real
Though no longer based
In reality

Logic is why I can sit here on a bench
Alone in the woods
Without the least bit of fear or concern
Because
I’ve never been hurt in the woods

Trauma is why I can be in my home
And find myself overtaken by fear
Of certain sounds or rooms
Because
I once was hurt in a place that was safe