So Hard

It is so hard
To be in a place
Between here and there
Pieces of old life and glimpses of new
Nothing quite fitting
Like a pair of pants
Too tight or too lose
Either way
Uncomfortable

What is church

Who is God
How will I not just tolerate
But find meaning
In each

More the God question

Than the church question
That needs settling
Can make the most of any church
If it centers around the right God

And during this time
Am I supposed to be happy
Is this a test that
Once I get right
Will be over
Kind of mean if that is
How this works

I’m tired God

But you know that
Tired of trying to figure it all out
Wondering how You could be good
Wondering how I could be good
Wondering how life could be good
And how any of it matters
Now

It is just so hurtful

To not feel valued
Or deemed worthy
Of your help
As shown in actions
Or words
Or however it is shown

Just hurtful that

Your compassion
Toward me
Is missing
Its absence the reason
I am questioning
At all