I Know

I know what it is like to try to live life with a black space in your soul

I know what it is like to feel dead at birthdays and dinners and

         simple happy things

I know what it is like to be exhausted at pretending to care about
         anything that is not a  solution to my pain
I know what it is like to be overwhelmed at the thought of another
         second of this
 
I know what it is like to listen to stories of other people’s vacations,
          latest purchases and pursuits and hurt at how easy life used
          to be
I know what it is like to want to sleep through holidays
I know what it is like to look ahead and see very little worth living
          for
 
I know what it is like to give up on helping someone you love
I know what it is like to realize you can’t save a person
I know what it is like to decide you are done

I know what it’s like to grit your teeth while listening to yet another well meaning person tell you:
          how tired you look,
          how stressed you look
          how you should find time for peace
          how you’ll crack if you are not careful
I know what it’s like to want to say “I have a mirror. I know how I look. And don’t say things like that unless it comes with the brilliant solution you have thought of.”

I know what it is like to have people get just enough information
          from you to make a judgment and draw a perimeter around
          your life and theirs

I know what it is like to receive advice that has more to do with
          alleviating the giver’s discomfort than helping in any tangible
          way
I know what it is like to field insensitive comments from people who
          have no idea
I know what it is like to isolate myself in order to protect myself
          from above noted insensitive comments.
I know what it is like to be quoted empty scripture from people who
          mean well but have never lived anything like the hell I am
          living.
I know what it is like to be misunderstood but have no energy left to
          correct

I know what it is like to lose your faith

I know what it is like to lose your best friend
I know what it is like to lose your reputation
I know what it is like to lose God
I know what it is like to hate everyone
I know what it is like to not catch a break
I know what it is like to have providers who don’t provide

I know what it is like to be handed a pile of dung in place of a good
life and have people remind you to be thankful

I know what it is like to sit through church and have no idea what
          God they are speaking of
I know what it is like to be abandoned by God
I know what it is like to walk away from the God who has abandoned
           you
I know what it is like to hate God

I know what it is like to see disappointment in the eyes of friends
          who miss the old me
I know what it is like to miss the old me, the old him, the old life
I know what it is like to protect other people from my pain because I
          can’t carry theirs and mine

I know what it is like to miss normal
I know what it is like to think death doesn’t sound half bad

I know what pain is

I know what despair is
I know what anger is
 
I know too much
 
I know enough to know
That many people don’t survive this
And I fully understand why