What Is Bugging Me

Just what
Is bugging me
Today
A question
I ask myself
A lot

Today

What is bugging me
Is the lack
Of acknowledgement
Of the journey
I am on
And the places
I’ve been
Along the way

Two things

That have been 
Acknowledged well
Are that
Suffering happens
And that
God will use the suffering

But everything else
All that occurs
Between “suffering happens”
And “God will use it”
Is ignored

And that

Just really
Bugs me

The assumption that

Because God will use it
The suffering is worth it

The insistence that
What I believe
About suffering
Cannot deviate
From what other people
Who love God
But have suffered differently or less
Believe about suffering
 
I have suffered
God may use it
The suffering
Is not worth
Whatever God
Might do with it

And rather than

Hate God
For my suffering
I changed my beliefs about God
And about suffering
It was the only choice
 
Suffering
Has changed
Everything I believe
And for that
I am thankful

But I won’t

Downplay 
My suffering

And won’t accept those

Who downplay it
On my behalf
So they don’t have to
Look deeper
See suffering for what it is 
And rethink
Their own beliefs
As I have mine

Not Going To

I’m not going to judge
The people
I share
This planet with

I’m not going to pin

The demise of the world
On one person
Or group of people
Because they lead lives
Different than mine
And believe in ways
Different than me

I’m probably not ever

Going to stand
Outside anywhere
Holding a sign
Of protest

I’m not going to

Smile to someone’s face
And grumble insults under my breath
Feed the separation or
Fuel the hatred

I’m not going to
Encourage fear

It’s not my place

Or my interest
To deal in such things

And if a person around me does this

Or a church around me leans towards this
I’m not going to engage it

I’m not going to stand
On the side of the church
Whatever that means
Or on the side of the world
Whatever that means
 
I’m not going to stand at all
 
If you need me
I’ll be the one
In motion

Distancing myself

From those bent on
Protecting God
From his creation
(Did God even ask us to do that?)

Moving closer

Towards a life
Content to recognize
All we have in common
 
And all we can do
To help each other
Through our days

Why

I don’t wonder anymore
How this happened to my life
Or why this happened
To me

Why did my husband go blind

Why did he break
Why the delusion
Why the trauma
Why the police
Why the assault
Why the restraints
Why the destroyed sense of safety
Why the hospitals that failed him
Why medications that were toxic to him
Why the unskilled providers
Why the heartless insurance companies
Why thoughts of suicide
Why four hospitalizations
Why post traumatic stress
Why so much unbearable pain

I don’t wonder why anymore

But honestly

I do wonder 
Why others think
This happened

Because what they decide

About why this happened
To me, to us

Reveals everything

About why
They think
Anything
Happens to
Anyone

So if asked I would say

Go ahead and decide why
But don’t be lazy
With the conclusions

If you are sure

This was God’s plan
Trace this plan of God’s
Back to its purpose
To its benefit
To how it worked for good
 
If you do find the good
Dare to ask yourself
Was the good
So good
That it justified the bad

Don’t downplay my horror

Let it sit side by side
With your beliefs
 
Let this pain of mine
Help you revisit
What you believe about
The kind of people
Bad things happen to
 
Decide for yourself
Just don’t decide
Without thinking

Like I did

For too many years

Taking the path of least resistance
Drawing convenient conclusions

That didn’t hold up

When life let me down

That left me empty

When I needed
To know why

New Year

There was a time
Not so long ago
When the thought
Of looking
Even one day ahead
Overwhelmed me
With dread

When the thought

Of a new year
365 whole days
Of black unknown
Was too painful
To consider

But not this year

This year

It doesn’t matter

This year

Whatever comes to me
Is not
In control
Of me

I am no longer afraid

Of what might be lost

This year

Can’t rob me of
My peace of mind
My hope
My faith
My friendships
My marriage
My financial security
 
I have already lost
Or entertained the loss
Of all these things

Other than my life

Which I wouldn’t
Be around
To miss anyway
Should it be taken
This year
There is not much
To lose
 
This year
Can’t hurt me

This year

All that’s left
Of me
Is me

And I am

Made up of
More than everything around me
More than life’s comforts

My life is broken

But I am whole

Whole

In a way
That nothing
Taken from me
Can touch

So New Year

Do what you will
Take from me if you must
Or be kind if you’d like

I will be here

I will walk through you
Broken or blessed
But whole

Arm's Length

We start out walking
Side by side
Talking about life
Sharing our theories
About blessings and pain
Theories
Not yet realities
So made safe
By the distance

Then true pain strikes

Interrupts our walk
And as one falls down
The arm of the other
Extends
Not to offer help
But to keep the other
Really the pain of the other
At arms length

The voice at arm’s end

Offers many opinions
About why pain is happening
About how it should be received

Offers many opinions

And very little comfort

And on the very day

That the pain stops
(And there is a chance it might not)
The voice at the end of the arm
Is the first to say
See how it worked for good
See how God cares for his own
See how weak was your faith
 
Only with pain
Safely over
Does the extended arm lower
And the person attached
Become eager again
To move closer
Resuming the conversation
Right where it was
Before pain cut it off  
Ignoring all
That has happened since

Confusion then

That with pain ended
It is the arm
Of the one
No longer in pain
That extends
Intentionally
Creates distance
And keeps anyone
Who would continue on
As if nothing has changed
At arms length

Our Father

Our Father
Who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
        The God
        Of Heaven
        Is holy

Thy kingdom come

       God wants
       Something other than what is
       For this world

       If life on earth
       More closely matched
       What God intended
       The world would be
       Wonderfully different

Thy will be done

       Imagine if
       The love
       God desires to show the world
       Through people
       Covered the earth

On Earth as it is

In Heaven
       What goes on in Heaven
       Is not what goes on here
       I wish
       There was more Heaven
       On earth

Give us this day

Our daily bread
       Just enough
       Is enough
 
And forgive us our debts
       I could list
       A million ways
       I have not been
       Who I’m supposed to be
       Ways I’ve disappointed people
       Forgive me for that

As we forgive our debtors
       I have misunderstood how this world works
       I have been angry that life
       Is not
       What I wanted it to be
       And angry that people
       Are not
       Who I wanted them to be

       We are all broken products
       Of a broken earth
       Surprised at each other
       For being broken

 And lead us not 

 Into temptation

       Help me keep perspective
       And not mistake more or other
       For contentment

But deliver us from evil

       When evil comes
       And it will
       Help me

Amen  

Fake Happy

The nicest gift
I can get
When I’m sad
Is for people
Not to make me
Fake happy

Even if

I’ve been sad too long
Need to move on
Should look on the bright side
Or see the gift in the pain
I can’t yet
Or won’t

So just let me

Come as I am
Be who I am
Answer honestly
When you ask
How things are

I will enter

Into your world
As best I can

Won’t drag you

Too far
Into my world

Won’t ask

For help
Solving problems
That are mine
To solve

Will do just about anything

You need me to do

Just please

Don’t make me
Fake happy

No Win

This is such
An impossible
Time

A no win

If I keep us afloat

I look stingy
Lacking holiday spirit

If I spread us too thin

It’s that much harder next month
For me
And no one else
Because no one else
Really cares

This is not fun for me

Being so detailed
But not perfect
So still wondering
Where it all goes
And how
On earth
I could track things
Any better

Aware that

Plenty of others
Have it worse
But a fair amount
Have it better

And today

I would like
To have it better

Instead of being stuck

In the land of No

No “Good job getting us

       through this season”

No “Can’t believe we covered
       what was needed
       without using credit”

No “Those were tough choices

       but I get why they were made”

Just “We need to buy this

        and bring this
        and do this”

I actually do like fun

I actually do like things
I actually would like another life
That had more fun
And more things
 
But for now
It’s this life
And these choices

Now accepting

Applications
For anyone
Who wants to do this job
In my place

Starting immediately
No training provided
Best of luck
With it all

Design

Yes
No
Wait

Three ways

That Christians
Say God
Answers prayer

When the answer is “Yes”
We say
God loves to shower
Good things
On his children

When the answer is “No”

We say 
God’s perfect plan
Requires our long-term suffering

When the answer is “Wait”

We say
God’s timing is perfect
And our pain
During the wait
Is necessary

How

Does
This
Work

Do our prayers influence

The yes, no, or wait

Can the right prayer

Change a no to a yes

Can the wrong prayer

Change a wait to a no
 
Is it possible
That sometimes
There is just
No answer

Did God truly
Design a plan
That requires
Our pain

How odd

That would be
 
Like an architect
Intentionally including
Design flaws
In a brand new building project 
Adding beams that don’t hold weight
Compromising the structure by choice

Odd thing

For an architect
Who loves his buildings
To do

Odd thing

For a God
Who loves his children
To do

Require disease

Require disaster
Requires broken lives
For his plan

Maybe our lives are broken

Because
Our world is broken

Maybe buildings collapse

Because something other
Went wrong

And not because

The designer
Planned from the start
For them to fall

Quiet

Has quiet
Always been
Such a battle
 
For me
This year
It is

What am

I even battling
Against

Maybe it’s this season

Of excess
Shining a light on
My lack

Maybe I was content once

With simple things
But this season
Tempts me
To want more

Maybe I can’t

Fit my
Complicated life
Into the template of
This happy season

Maybe the unknown

Stares me down
Every day
And I don’t
Know how
To welcome that

Maybe I associate peace with  

A mostly good life
And life isn’t mostly good yet
So how can there be peace

Maybe it’s a battle
No matter what life is
To find quiet
To feel peace
To be still
And stay
Still
And hear God

Maybe quiet

Is always a battle
But I just notice it more
This year

Church People

Church people
Are pretty good
At extending sympathy
At “sorry for your pain”
At feeding and caring
For the wounded
When the wound
Is fresh

Church people
Aren’t very good
At listening
While others question God
Or speak of how
The circumstance
Is changing everything
Once believed

Church people

Are good at
Early pain
When there is a lot to do
And little time to think 

But as time goes on

And pain collides
With old beliefs
In unsettling
Ways

Most

Church people
Disappear

Can’t bear to be present

For the tough questions
Out of fear
For where
It might lead

Can’t entertain questions

That linger unanswered
For too long

Can’t even admit

That the questions
Are good

Can’t accompany others

To the wide open
Place of pain
Beyond I’m sorry
Here’s a casserole

Can’t be present

With the part of pain
That is thoughtful
Quiet, honest

Can’t go anywhere near

Where the griever must stay
For quite a while
And this worsens the pain
Alienates the griever

Can’t go

Or won’t go
Where they have
Never been

This is where

We need
To do better

This is where

Church people
All people maybe
Flounder

Offering scraps of comfort

Surface sunshine
And answers they
Have not
Thought through

Offering casseroles

To a world
In desperate need of
Companions

 (no offense to the casseroles…I love them just we
   have to do better)