Expectations

I forgot
How this works

I forgot that

The only way
To find peace

The only way

To make the pain
Stand down
When it kicks up again

Is to have no 

Expectations

Of him

Of the situation

It’s the expectations

That lead to disappointment

And he is in no frame of mind

To meet expectations

So for now

I will think only of  
The expectations
I have
Of me

And they are

To be kind
To be resourceful
To be patient
And when I’m not feeling patient
To shut up

To remember that

He is mostly broken still
With small pieces of wholeness

Instead of mostly whole

With small pieces of brokenness

There are so many ways

My expectations
Go unmet

But the question

For me is
Can I meet
My own expectations

My Life Ended That Day

My life ended that day
The day you heard about
The day your heart broke upon the hearing
The day long since forgotten by many
And rightly so
It’s not anyone else’s battle
But my own

A distant memory for most

So much time has passed
Time spent by some
Traveling to new places
Smelling the flowers
Making memories with loved ones

But my life ended that day

And since that day
There have been no vacations
No smelling of flowers
No peaceful time with loved ones

Just a long hard journey

To find life again
And figure out
How to live it

Sometimes
The answer
Is just
No

Some time off to clear your mind

No

A weekend away for fun

No

Buy something new just for kicks

No

A little extra to make someone’s day

No

Big shiny exciting future plans

No

Ok forget about the fun stuff

How about the responsible stuff

Replace leaky toilet

No

Hire a plumber to install the free washer

No

New windows

No

Repave the driveway

No

Pay off debt

Oh you can try
But don’t be surprised
If the answer
Is
No

Fun stuff

Responsible stuff

The answer

To most every question
That comes up
Is just
No

Pitiful

My life
Just flat out
Devastates me
Sometimes

Just doesn’t cooperate

With my efforts

I know
Life is hard
For everyone
But is it this hard
For this long
For everyone

Maybe it is

And they are all heroes

Maybe others do better

At missing all
I am missing

Maybe others are ok lacking

A home with hope and happiness

Maybe others don’t wish for
A kinder life
A little more peace

But these are things that everyone deserves

These are things that anyone would miss

And not having them is hard

Not having them is

Like having no control
Over the script
Someone is writing
For your life
But being forced
To show up anyway
And act

A miserable show

With terrible acting
Pitiful to watch
Pitiful to live

But temporary

I swear to God temporary
Because I am a script writer at heart
Not a powerless actress

My life circumstances are pitiful

The choices I have to make are pitiful
The pain I feel most of the time is pitiful

But I

Am not
Pitiful

Though life crushes me

Fresh all the time
I am not pitiful

That much I know

Shut Doors

I used to wonder
What would be worse

Having something precious

And losing it
Or living a whole life
Without something precious

Knowing only

What you’ve always had or
Forever knowing
What you’ve lost

I used to wonder

But I don’t wonder
Any more

I think now

That it’s worse
To know
What you’ve lost

Worse to have doors

To happier times
Slammed shut
So painfully
In so many ways

Worse to have doors

Shut and solid
Except for a tiny cruel window
That lets you peer through
And see clearly 
All you used to have
All you can’t have now

I wish I didn’t remember

What a good life was

I wish I didn’t know

What was beyond the
Shut doors

Lost

Early on
Everything was
Lost

I lost me

I lost God
I lost him

And the road back

Or not back
But out of the emptiness
Has been so hard

And along the way

I have found me and
I have found God

But I have not

Found him

He

Is still lost
To me

He

May not
Be back

Or he may

Be back
But not
In time

I just don’t know

How much longer
I can wait

But whatever happens

I am proud of me

I have worked

So hard

I have come
So far

I have changed
So much

I am

So proud
Of that

Proud of all

I’ve worked hard
To get back

But sad

At what still
Remains lost

Exceptions

We only
Hear about
The exceptions

Disabled people

Who are
Exceptional

The Jonis

The Bocellis
The blind mountain climbers
The limbless Olympians

I realize now

I only ever heard
About the exceptions
The admirably disabled

I never thought to wonder

Where were the others
Where were the unexceptional

The angry ones

The ones

Who can’t
Make peace
With their loss

The ones

Who would rather die
Than live
A limited life

The ones
Too sad
To try

I know now

That the exceptional
Are few

And I know now where

The unexceptional are

I know

Where one is
Anyway

I know now

That the disabled
Who suffer
Are hidden away

Struggling through life

Battling through loss

The majority

But out of view

And in many ways
Alone

It Hurts

Realizing
My efforts
Aren’t working
Hurts

But so much hurts

Right now

It hurts to hold on

It hurts to step away

It hurts to watch him

Disengage

It hurts to

Go to bed after him
Get up before him
Barely a good night
Or a good morning

It hurts that he doesn’t

Say much when I’m home or
Miss me when I’m gone

It hurts that his life

Includes no one
But him

It hurts that he

Never make plans
Has nothing to look forward to

It hurts that he is

Not clear minded
Off medicine
Not present
With medicine

It hurts

That it’s becoming
A relief
Less work for me

To stop working so hard to

Have conversation with him
Have a life with him
Be home with him

A relief

But so sad
That whether I’m
Wearing myself out
To keep him

Or wondering

How much longer
Until I leave him

He doesn’t notice

A difference
Has no response
Either way

Lives alone

Inside his head
With his pain

And leaves me

Out here
Where
It hurts

Find

Do we find God
Or does God find us

Who finds who

Maybe you both

Have to be looking
At the same time

Maybe if God looks away

While you are looking for God
God is not found

Maybe if you look away

While God is looking for you
You are not found

However it works

It’s better now that
God has found me or
I have found God

But being found

Or finding
Don’t make life
Less tragic

A little less confusing maybe

A little less lonely yes

But not
Less tragic

Not at all

Big Broken World

Big
Broken
World

Broken systems

Serving
Broken people

Broken people

Living
Broken lives

Not surprised

At the brokenness

Just disappointed

At how badly
Things are broken
In the world of mental health
In the world period

So much brokenness

Makes me wonder
Is anyone whole

I want to meet them

Touch them
Then slap them

OK maybe not slap them

But stand in awe of them
Marvel at their wholeness

Ask them how

To get closer
To whole

When the pathway

To whole
Seems so
Broken

Feel

I am not afraid to feel
I do it all day long

I just don’t like

How feeling
Feels
Right now

My mind

Acknowledging
All that’s hard
In my life

Someday maybe

Feeling will feel
Good

And I will

Acknowledge
All that’s peaceful
In my life

Entertain hope

Someday

But not yet

 

Soul Tired

I am tired

Soul tired

Not sleep tired

Needing rest

But not sleep

How

Do you give
Your soul
A nap

 

Too Easy

You are making this
Too easy
Or so hard
That it’s becoming
Easy

Your response

When I say again
I can’t do this
Too much longer
Silence

Though you asked me

To talk to you
Said you wanted to hear
What I had to say

Me talking at you

Repeating the same old concerns
You not responding
So why did you ask

Your reaction

When I say that I
Can’t keep living alone with you
Can’t continue building a full life
Separate from you
Can’t keep watching you do nothing
While you watch me do everything
Silence

Futile to keep

Asking you to live
When you
Don’t want to

I’m not even asking

That you
Love me

That’s a request for

A different time
A stronger you

I’m asking

That you
Love you

Because maybe

When you love you
You will want to live

And when you want to live

You may care again about love

And living is what I want for you

And loving is what I want for us

Are you getting this

I’m not asking you to see
I’m asking you to live

Because I can figure out

How to live
With blind you
But I cannot figure out
How to live
With lifeless you

I cannot

Figure out
How to live
With someone
Who is dead inside
And doesn’t care
To find out why