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Monday, February 24, 2014

Cost Me

This journey
Has cost me

Alienated me
From family
And friends
Who have needed me
To be like minded

Whose acceptance
Was based on
Agreement

This journey
Has also changed me
And made me wise

Even so
When I think about
What this journey
Has cost me

It hurts

Standing

Standing quietly
Looking out
Over what life
Might hold
For me
Next

No choice in its coming
Only the choice
About whether to  
Acknowledge it
Introduce myself to it
Own my fear of it

And go towards it
Because it has to be
Gone towards

And it doesn’t matter
What I do
While I’m in it
Whether the journey is pretty
Or a mess at every step

It matters only
That I keep
Walking in it
And eventually through it
Because it has to be
Walked through

Whether I
Make peace with it
Or not

Stories

I am not sure
How much of life
Is us 
Writing our own stories
Making the right choices
Being open to opportunities
Crafting our futures
Creating our destinies

Versus us
Living our own stories
Choosing wisely 
From the options presented
But knowing
Life is what it is
Living the stories before us
Accepting what is acceptable
Changing what we can

I am not sure
What thought is more peaceful

The idea that
We have some sort of control
Over how life goes

Or the idea that
We all have a life before us
And our job is just
To live it well

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Sacred Witness

I have been
A sacred witness

To the life of another
Sitting quietly with
And watching
Life unfold
Acknowledging what is
Accepting a certain lack
Of control
Over the course
Life is taking

And now 
I have also been
A sacred witness

To my own life
To my own body
Sitting quietly with it
As it heals
Listening as it tells me
What it needs
Because it knows intuitively
More than I know logically

A strange kind of honor
To be a sacred witness
To myself

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Humbling

It is hard
To have life
Fall apart
So publicly

Hard
To have
Brokenness
On display

Hard for one
Who prefers
Life lived
Under the radar
To live a life
So exposed

Humbling
Is what it is

And very much so

Traction

Months of
Crawling
Standing
Only to fall
No bearings
No landmarks
No hope
No future

Now weeks of
Standing and
Staying up
Surroundings
Far from ideal
But familiar now
So not as scary

A bit of hope
Some form of future
Though details
Still aren’t clear

Strength
Building on
Strength

Finally
Some
Forward motion

Finally
Some
Traction
 

 

Maybe

Husband
Is making
Me crazy

Work
Is pushing me
Over the edge

Everyone
Wanting something
From me

Too many details
Required of
Detail girl
This week

Maybe it’s just
A tough week

Maybe it’s just
That life
Is hard

Maybe it’s just
I am in need of
A break

Or maybe
It’s just simply
That this week
I gave up coffee
 
Coffee
The thing
That was keeping me civil
The thing that was keeping me kind 
The thing that was keeping me sane
 
Who knew

Monday, February 3, 2014

Mixed

Messages
Have definitely
Been mixed

Those new to faith
Are encouraged to question
And those old in faith
Are encouraged to answer

Encouraged to find resolution
To the questions
So they can be
Solid Christians
So they can fit
Into a faith community

But there is an invisible line
A clock counting down
An unmistakable point
When questions
The best questions anyway
Are no longer welcomed
Are seen as divisive

After a time
The questions
Or the honesty
About the questions
Must stop

Because solid Christians
Can’t question that deeply

Because as you grow
In faith
The conclusions
Must fall into line

So one message
That has been mixed
For me
Is the message that
Questions are great
But good Christians
Don’t have deep questions
 
Are not good questions
Always good
No matter
How long
You have been
Practicing your faith

And another mixed message
There is no hierarchy
Of sin

Those are empty words

There is most certainly
An unspoken
Or outright stated
Manmade hierarchy
Of sin
Or maybe
Of brokenness

We cleaned up Christians
Are not that bad

Not as needy as
The addicted
The sexually confused
Those in complicated relationships
The outright criminals

We are not as bad as them
And we in fact
Are here
To save them

But shouldn’t it be
That we are here
To serve them
And just maybe
To learn from them

The “them”
That could never
Be us

We are too good for that
We know too much
We have all our questions answered
And God kind of
Loves us more
Because we are so solid
And sure

So another message
That has been mixed
For me
Is the message that
God loves us all
Without restriction
As is
 
But Christians
Who show love
Without restriction
Who have no need
To list out the ways
Someone else needs to change
Are not representing God
Well enough

Are not we all
Humble recipients
Of God’s grace
No strings attached
Thank you very much

Are we not all
Equally broken and
Equally loved

Messages
Have definitely
Been mixed

And they have mixed me up

And I’m un-mixing them now

Best I can
A little more
Each day

Monday, January 27, 2014

What Is Bugging Me

Just what
Is bugging me
Today
A question
I ask myself
A lot

Today
What is bugging me
Is the lack
Of acknowledgement
Of the journey
I am on
And the places
I’ve been
Along the way

Two things
That have been 
Acknowledged well
Are that
Suffering happens
And that
God will use the suffering

But everything else
All that occurs
Between “suffering happens”
And “God will use it”
Is ignored

And that
Just really
Bugs me

The assumption that
Because God will use it
The suffering is worth it

The insistence that
What I believe
About suffering
Cannot deviate
From what other people
Who love God
But have suffered differently or less
Believe about suffering
 
I have suffered
God may use it
The suffering
Is not worth
Whatever God
Might do with it

And rather than
Hate God
For my suffering
I changed my beliefs about God
And about suffering
It was the only choice
 
Suffering
Has changed
Everything I believe
And for that
I am thankful

But I won’t
Downplay 
My suffering

And won’t accept those
Who downplay it
On my behalf
So they don’t have to
Look deeper
See suffering for what it is 
And rethink
Their own beliefs
As I have mine

Monday, January 20, 2014

Not Going To

I’m not going to judge
The people
I share
This planet with

I’m not going to pin
The demise of the world
On one person
Or group of people
Because they lead lives
Different than mine
And believe in ways
Different than me

I’m probably not ever
Going to stand
Outside anywhere
Holding a sign
Of protest

I’m not going to
Smile to someone’s face
And grumble insults under my breath
Feed the separation or
Fuel the hatred

I’m not going to
Encourage fear

It’s not my place
Or my interest
To deal in such things

And if a person around me does this
Or a church around me leans towards this
I’m not going to engage it

I’m not going to stand
On the side of the church
Whatever that means
Or on the side of the world
Whatever that means
 
I’m not going to stand at all
 
If you need me
I’ll be the one
In motion

Distancing myself
From those bent on
Protecting God
From his creation
(Did God even ask us to do that?)

Moving closer
Towards a life
Content to recognize
All we have in common
 
And all we can do
To help each other
Through our days

Monday, January 13, 2014

Why

I don’t wonder anymore
How this happened to my life
Or why this happened
To me

Why did my husband go blind
Why did he break
Why the delusion
Why the trauma
Why the police
Why the assault
Why the restraints
Why the destroyed sense of safety
Why the hospitals that failed him
Why medications that were toxic to him
Why the unskilled providers
Why the heartless insurance companies
Why thoughts of suicide
Why four hospitalizations
Why post traumatic stress
Why so much unbearable pain

I don’t wonder why anymore

But honestly
I do wonder 
Why others think
This happened

Because what they decide
About why this happened
To me, to us

Reveals everything
About why
They think
Anything
Happens to
Anyone

So if asked I would say
Go ahead and decide why
But don’t be lazy
With the conclusions

If you are sure
This was God’s plan
Trace this plan of God’s
Back to its purpose
To its benefit
To how it worked for good
 
If you do find the good
Dare to ask yourself
Was the good
So good
That it justified the bad

Don’t downplay my horror
Let it sit side by side
With your beliefs
 
Let this pain of mine
Help you revisit
What you believe about
The kind of people
Bad things happen to
 
Decide for yourself
Just don’t decide
Without thinking

Like I did
For too many years

Taking the path of least resistance
Drawing convenient conclusions

That didn’t hold up
When life let me down

That left me empty
When I needed
To know why

Sunday, January 5, 2014

New Year

There was a time
Not so long ago
When the thought
Of looking
Even one day ahead
Overwhelmed me
With dread

When the thought
Of a new year
365 whole days
Of black unknown
Was too painful
To consider

But not this year

This year
It doesn’t matter

This year
Whatever comes to me
Is not
In control
Of me

I am no longer afraid
Of what might be lost

This year
Can’t rob me of
My peace of mind
My hope
My faith
My friendships
My marriage
My financial security
 
I have already lost
Or entertained the loss
Of all these things

Other than my life
Which I wouldn’t
Be around
To miss anyway
Should it be taken
This year
There is not much
To lose
 
This year
Can’t hurt me

This year
All that’s left
Of me
Is me

And I am
Made up of
More than everything around me
More than life’s comforts

My life is broken
But I am whole

Whole
In a way
That nothing
Taken from me
Can touch

So New Year
Do what you will
Take from me if you must
Or be kind if you’d like

I will be here
I will walk through you
Broken or blessed
But whole

Arm's Length

We start out walking
Side by side
Talking about life
Sharing our theories
About blessings and pain
Theories
Not yet realities
So made safe
By the distance

Then true pain strikes
Interrupts our walk
And as one falls down
The arm of the other
Extends
Not to offer help
But to keep the other
Really the pain of the other
At arms length

The voice at arm’s end
Offers many opinions
About why pain is happening
About how it should be received

Offers many opinions
And very little comfort

And on the very day
That the pain stops
(And there is a chance it might not)
The voice at the end of the arm
Is the first to say
See how it worked for good
See how God cares for his own
See how weak was your faith
 
Only with pain
Safely over
Does the extended arm lower
And the person attached
Become eager again
To move closer
Resuming the conversation
Right where it was
Before pain cut it off  
Ignoring all
That has happened since

Confusion then
That with pain ended
It is the arm
Of the one
No longer in pain
That extends
Intentionally
Creates distance
And keeps anyone
Who would continue on
As if nothing has changed
At arms length

Monday, December 30, 2013

Our Father

Our Father
Who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
        The God
        Of Heaven
        Is holy

Thy kingdom come
       God wants
       Something other than what is
       For this world

       If life on earth
       More closely matched
       What God intended
       The world would be
       Wonderfully different

Thy will be done
       Imagine if
       The love
       God desires to show the world
       Through people
       Covered the earth

On Earth as it is
In Heaven
       What goes on in Heaven
       Is not what goes on here
       I wish
       There was more Heaven
       On earth

Give us this day
Our daily bread
       Just enough
       Is enough
 
And forgive us our debts
       I could list
       A million ways
       I have not been
       Who I’m supposed to be
       Ways I’ve disappointed people
       Forgive me for that

As we forgive our debtors
       I have misunderstood how this world works
       I have been angry that life
       Is not
       What I wanted it to be
       And angry that people
       Are not
       Who I wanted them to be

       We are all broken products
       Of a broken earth
       Surprised at each other
       For being broken

 And lead us not 
 Into temptation
       Help me keep perspective
       And not mistake more or other
       For contentment

But deliver us from evil
       When evil comes
       And it will
       Help me

Amen