Life Is Hard

Life is hard
So very hard

Filled with
Too much
Of what brings pain
And not enough
Of what brings comfort

Relationships disappoint

Needs go unmet
Dreams are not realized
Tears pour down
From the faces
Of people
Who are already
All cried out

Life is hard

And not because
We’re doing it wrong

It’s

Just
Hard

And we walk together

Along this jagged Earth
And try
To find reasons
To be happy
About it 

When I Am Quiet

When I am quiet
I am not heard
By anyone
But me

But when I am quiet

I hear myself best
And usually
I like what I hear
 

 

Whole

I try
To bring myself whole
Into the broken parts
Of life

Knowing who I am

Knowing my worth

Letting people

Who feel like it
Add to what
I already know
About me
But careful
Not to let them
Take away
Even a bit
Of my wholeness

Coming away

At times
With more
Then I started with

Coming away

Never
Anything
Less than
Whole

Complicated

I want for my birthday

Lemon cake and

Peace of mind

A Pottery Barn comforter and

My broken house fixed

Fancy new sneakers and

A husband

An HDTV and
A reason to get up in the morning

A carefree vacation and

A raise to pay for it

Dinner at 10 new restaurants and

To magically drop 10 pounds

It’s complicated

What I want

I know that

And still

Want it all
Anyway

A Grief That Has Company

I don’t think
You can move grief
I think grief
Moves itself
When it’s ready

But I do think

You can
Surround grief with love
Plant things around it that grow
Push happy things up against it

The grief

Will still be there
Of course

Only now
It will be a grief
That has company

A grief

That people
Will look in on
And see
Sitting in the middle
Of life
Still being lived

A grief

That is somehow
Tolerable
Because it is
Not alone

My Life

I live my life
With painful hope
Between losses
With a soul full of tears
Looking for something
To laugh at

God

Is this
Really
My life

Am I The Only One

Am I
The only one
Who dreads
Birthdays

Or other days

With a big empty space
Held open
For others
To tell you
How they feel
About your
Existence

And with that space

Always the chance
Sometimes the reality
Of silence

Am I

The only one
Who dreads
Long weekends

Twenty four additional hours

Of empty time
Where fun used to dwell
But where now fun
Must be fought for
Forced up
From the emptiness

Am I

The only one
Who dreads
Thinking ahead
Because what’s
Up the road
Doesn’t look all that
Inviting

Am I

The only one
Who prefers
The daily grind
The dull busyness of life
Over time set aside
To step back
And see life
For how hard
It really is

For how much work it takes

To keep it afloat
When it wants to sink
To keep it intact
When it wants to fall apart

What I think

I’m really asking is
Am I
The only one
Who dreads
Life

Wish

I really wish
Life was better
Than this

Wish

Life offered
More

Wish

My marriage
Was stable

Wish

Money
Flowed more freely

Wish

Hope
Was easier to find

Wish

I was
So much happier

Wish

I could think
Of an area of life
That wasn’t
A struggle

I wish
I wish
I wish

Outrun

I get
So tired
Of trying
To outrun
Pain

Pain

That has already
Taken
Too much

Pain

That I would like
Some distance
From

Pain
That I can feel
Coming closer
Again

Pain

That wants only
To take from me

And I don’t want

To give it
Any more

And that is why

Though I’m so
Very tired
Of running

I run

Pray

When people
Ask me
To pray
For them
This
Is What
I Do

I wish for them

Peace
In their souls

I ask myself what

I can do
To comfort

I hope

Beyond hope
That those
Who are near
Won't ignore
Opportunities
To rise up
And help

I don't ask God

To make it ok
To fix it

I don't ask God

To care
For His child
Since He already does
And it seems insulting
To ask
 
I ask instead
For God
To help humans
Listen when He asks them
To care for
Other humans
  
I don't think
I'll ever
Pray
Like I used to

Pray

With my voice

Pray

For resolution
Rather than comfort

Pray

With even the hope
That amazing things
Will happen

Prayer

To me now
Is more just
Hi God
I see this happening too
And can anything
Be done
By You
By me
By anyone
To make it
A little
Better

With You Here

I don’t mind if you go
Really at this point
I would hardly notice

Your presence here

Is wispy and thin
Weak
Just enough to take attention
But not enough to hold it

The hope that you might

Eventually come around
A distraction
Constantly depleting
My energy

So go ahead and go

Live whatever life
Suits you best

Don’t worry

About me
Being lonely
Without you

These days

I’m more lonely
With you here

Personally

I have decided
Not to take
My messed up life
Personally

I’ve decided that

My painful life
And astounding inability
To get what I want
Out of it
Isn’t because
I made
Worse decisions
Than others
Or because  
I did so much wrong
And others did so much right

But simply
Because
I drew the short straw

My one way marriage

Where I solve problems
While he creates them
Doesn’t make me
A bad judge of character
Just someone who
Wasn’t able
To predict
The future

My career

That doesn’t pay enough
To support two lives
The way I wish
Was a choice
That made sense
At the time

My inability

To keep up
With the repairs
On my house
Doesn’t make me a bad person
Or an irresponsible planner
Just a person
Without enough money
To fix things

I am no longer

Taking personally
What has become
Of my life

I will figure out

How to fix it

I will someday
Move beyond it
 
I will leave what needs to be left
Let go of what can’t be fixed
 
But I will not
Take it
Personally
Any
More

Reject

I reject you
Simple faith
For saying all suffering
Ends with acceptance
Ends happy
Ends at all

For saying God

Is only in
The type of suffering
That’s resolved quickly
And with grace

For saying  

If you show
How painful
Pain is
You fail

I reject you

When I find you
In churches

I reject you

When I find you
In people

I reject you

When I find
Traces of you
Still in me

I reject you

For failing me

I reject you

For not acknowledging
My difficult reality

I reject you
For erasing my experience
For erasing me
And smiling while you do it

I reject you

For making me feel unwelcome
Unworthy
Guilty for my pain
 
I reject you
So completely

Which frees up

The space in me
I need
 
To figure out
What kind of faith  
I will accept

Love

I used to think
Love was all
That was needed
To make a happy life
Build a happy marriage

I was wrong

When did love

Become no longer enough

I don’t know

I love him

But love isn’t enough
I need something more

Which makes me wonder too

About God’s love for me
Is that enough

It doesn’t feel like it lately

My love for him

God’s love for me

Neither enough

To make  
My life
Happy
Or good

I need something more

But what

I don’t know

Actual Life

My actual life
Gets in the way
Of the life planned
In my mind

Planned life

Is a beautiful
Train ride
Through scenic
Landscapes

Actual life

Is a hot shit
Train wreck

It just is

Actual life

Messing up
Planned life

Life
Getting in the way
Of life

Go figure

Looking Forward

What makes
A hard life good
Is having things
To look forward to
And people
To look forward
To things with

That's lacking

For me lately

What is it

That I'm 
Looking forward to
Happiness
Love
Prosperity

No

Not anymore
Not anytime soon

So I think I'll stop

Feeling bad
About how hard it still is
To look forward 

And do my best

To continue
Looking down
Just one foot length
In front of me
At a time

That seems doable
To focus on single steps

Because every so often

A step
Surprises me  
Reminds me
That life
Could still possibly
Be good

Money

When it comes
To money
I don’t have it

And that limits me

And there’s a lot I can’t do
And that bothers me

But there’s a lot I can do

I can buy birthday presents

For the kids in my life

I can buy the perfect ingredients

For a new recipe

I can get myself clothes

When I need to

I can get him two new pairs of shoes

On no special occasion

I can take my dog to the vet

And reward him with a bone

I can buy whatever medicine is needed

I can get pizza and wine

Every week
After food shopping

I can get my hair cut

And buy my favorite shampoo

I can color my hair

When it’s gray

I can bring a good gift to a baby shower

I can do all this

And still
Pay all of my bills on time
Keep myself out of overdraft
Make progress on paying down debt

That is amazing to me

Because

Many people
Don’t have this luxury

Have barely

What they need
To pay bills
And nothing more

Many are robbed

Of the brief flash of happiness
That comes from   
Finishing out a month
With needs covered
And responsibilities met

No, I can’t do it all

But I’m doing what I can

So please don’t be offended world

If I sometimes pick
 
Getting a kid’s birthday present
Over dinner out with you

Getting a new outfit

Over coming to your candle party

Hiring an electrician

Over a weekend away with friends

These are the choices

I need to make
And though they are tricky
And I don’t think they’re forever

I make them daily

And I make them well

Right At The Point

I never understood
The appeal of drugs
When being clear minded
Feels so good

Or the pull toward

Reckless spending
When being debt free
Feels so good

Silly me

I get it now

It’s because

Life
Is really
Painful

Because sometimes

Feeling good
Is out of reach

Because a good buzz
And shiny new things
Truly do
Provide relief
From the pain

And pain hurts

And who

Doesn’t want
Relief

Though I do think

It’s right at the point
Where pain is felt
Deepest
 
Right at the point
Of knowing
That pain
Can’t be
Out smarted or
Out run

Right at the point of

I can’t do this anymore and
What are my options
 
Right exactly at that point
That’s where real life is

That’s where

We must decide
What to do
With the pain

Numb it

Reversing months
Of sobriety or
Careful budgeting

Or

Feel it
Endure the full extent
Of its awfulness
And find a way
To live with it

Suffering Alone

I’m pretty sure
We can’t
Stop people
From suffering

But I’m pretty sure

We can
Stop people
From suffering
Alone

It’s really

The least
We can do
For each other

Questions

For so many months
The only thought
The only questions
Asked were
How is he doing
Is he ok today
Will he be ok in the future

So many months

Focused on
The one
Who needed
So much

It’s nicer now

To ask myself
The questions
I once only thought
To ask him

How am I doing

Am I Ok today
Will I be OK in the future

I don’t know his answers

I only know mine

I’m doing OK

Having more good days than bad
Will be fine in the future

I don’t
Ask him questions
Anymore

It’s not my job

My wellbeing

Is no longer linked
To his answers

And while the questions

Are still important

They are questions

He needs
To ask
And answer
For himself