Personally

I have decided
Not to take
My messed up life
Personally

I’ve decided that

My painful life
And astounding inability
To get what I want
Out of it
Isn’t because
I made
Worse decisions
Than others
Or because  
I did so much wrong
And others did so much right

But simply
Because
I drew the short straw

My one way marriage

Where I solve problems
While he creates them
Doesn’t make me
A bad judge of character
Just someone who
Wasn’t able
To predict
The future

My career

That doesn’t pay enough
To support two lives
The way I wish
Was a choice
That made sense
At the time

My inability

To keep up
With the repairs
On my house
Doesn’t make me a bad person
Or an irresponsible planner
Just a person
Without enough money
To fix things

I am no longer

Taking personally
What has become
Of my life

I will figure out

How to fix it

I will someday
Move beyond it
 
I will leave what needs to be left
Let go of what can’t be fixed
 
But I will not
Take it
Personally
Any
More

Reject

I reject you
Simple faith
For saying all suffering
Ends with acceptance
Ends happy
Ends at all

For saying God

Is only in
The type of suffering
That’s resolved quickly
And with grace

For saying  

If you show
How painful
Pain is
You fail

I reject you

When I find you
In churches

I reject you

When I find you
In people

I reject you

When I find
Traces of you
Still in me

I reject you

For failing me

I reject you

For not acknowledging
My difficult reality

I reject you
For erasing my experience
For erasing me
And smiling while you do it

I reject you

For making me feel unwelcome
Unworthy
Guilty for my pain
 
I reject you
So completely

Which frees up

The space in me
I need
 
To figure out
What kind of faith  
I will accept

Love

I used to think
Love was all
That was needed
To make a happy life
Build a happy marriage

I was wrong

When did love

Become no longer enough

I don’t know

I love him

But love isn’t enough
I need something more

Which makes me wonder too

About God’s love for me
Is that enough

It doesn’t feel like it lately

My love for him

God’s love for me

Neither enough

To make  
My life
Happy
Or good

I need something more

But what

I don’t know

Actual Life

My actual life
Gets in the way
Of the life planned
In my mind

Planned life

Is a beautiful
Train ride
Through scenic
Landscapes

Actual life

Is a hot shit
Train wreck

It just is

Actual life

Messing up
Planned life

Life
Getting in the way
Of life

Go figure

Looking Forward

What makes
A hard life good
Is having things
To look forward to
And people
To look forward
To things with

That's lacking

For me lately

What is it

That I'm 
Looking forward to
Happiness
Love
Prosperity

No

Not anymore
Not anytime soon

So I think I'll stop

Feeling bad
About how hard it still is
To look forward 

And do my best

To continue
Looking down
Just one foot length
In front of me
At a time

That seems doable
To focus on single steps

Because every so often

A step
Surprises me  
Reminds me
That life
Could still possibly
Be good

Money

When it comes
To money
I don’t have it

And that limits me

And there’s a lot I can’t do
And that bothers me

But there’s a lot I can do

I can buy birthday presents

For the kids in my life

I can buy the perfect ingredients

For a new recipe

I can get myself clothes

When I need to

I can get him two new pairs of shoes

On no special occasion

I can take my dog to the vet

And reward him with a bone

I can buy whatever medicine is needed

I can get pizza and wine

Every week
After food shopping

I can get my hair cut

And buy my favorite shampoo

I can color my hair

When it’s gray

I can bring a good gift to a baby shower

I can do all this

And still
Pay all of my bills on time
Keep myself out of overdraft
Make progress on paying down debt

That is amazing to me

Because

Many people
Don’t have this luxury

Have barely

What they need
To pay bills
And nothing more

Many are robbed

Of the brief flash of happiness
That comes from   
Finishing out a month
With needs covered
And responsibilities met

No, I can’t do it all

But I’m doing what I can

So please don’t be offended world

If I sometimes pick
 
Getting a kid’s birthday present
Over dinner out with you

Getting a new outfit

Over coming to your candle party

Hiring an electrician

Over a weekend away with friends

These are the choices

I need to make
And though they are tricky
And I don’t think they’re forever

I make them daily

And I make them well

Right At The Point

I never understood
The appeal of drugs
When being clear minded
Feels so good

Or the pull toward

Reckless spending
When being debt free
Feels so good

Silly me

I get it now

It’s because

Life
Is really
Painful

Because sometimes

Feeling good
Is out of reach

Because a good buzz
And shiny new things
Truly do
Provide relief
From the pain

And pain hurts

And who

Doesn’t want
Relief

Though I do think

It’s right at the point
Where pain is felt
Deepest
 
Right at the point
Of knowing
That pain
Can’t be
Out smarted or
Out run

Right at the point of

I can’t do this anymore and
What are my options
 
Right exactly at that point
That’s where real life is

That’s where

We must decide
What to do
With the pain

Numb it

Reversing months
Of sobriety or
Careful budgeting

Or

Feel it
Endure the full extent
Of its awfulness
And find a way
To live with it

Suffering Alone

I’m pretty sure
We can’t
Stop people
From suffering

But I’m pretty sure

We can
Stop people
From suffering
Alone

It’s really

The least
We can do
For each other

Questions

For so many months
The only thought
The only questions
Asked were
How is he doing
Is he ok today
Will he be ok in the future

So many months

Focused on
The one
Who needed
So much

It’s nicer now

To ask myself
The questions
I once only thought
To ask him

How am I doing

Am I Ok today
Will I be OK in the future

I don’t know his answers

I only know mine

I’m doing OK

Having more good days than bad
Will be fine in the future

I don’t
Ask him questions
Anymore

It’s not my job

My wellbeing

Is no longer linked
To his answers

And while the questions

Are still important

They are questions

He needs
To ask
And answer
For himself

Unfold

I am
A little tired
Of thinking
So hard

Trying to figure

It all out

Going to

Sit back now
And just let
This story
Unfold

As it will

In its time

Right on schedule

No rush

Not going

To lose sleep
Worrying
That the messes
In my life
Are pushing me
Off the true course
Of my life

This is the course

This is my life
Unfolding

As it will

Good Company

I crave
Humble
Life livers

Vulnerable

And
Brave

Unafraid

To walk beside
Sometimes as a fellow traveler
Sometimes as a guide

Good company

Either way

 

Walked Alone

For anyone
Who has
Walked alone

Traveled a long way

Down a lonely path

Lost God

Through no fault
Of your own
And had no idea why

I just wanted

To say

That also

Once happened
To me

It can happen

And I don’t yet
Know why

One day

I might figure it out

But for now

Just wanted
To say

I’ve been there

It can happen
And it’s hard

Scars

If you walk
With people
In pain

There’s a good chance

You’ll see
Scars

Open wounds

That are not pretty

On their bodies

In their souls

But walk with them still

Don’t leave them

Alone with their
Scars

Just walk with them

And see what they see

And that just

Might be enough

That God Loves

How
Could God
Love someone
Like me

Turn

His attention
My way

So many songs

I hear lately
Ask this
In different
Ways

But I

Don’t ask that
Ever

If anything

I ask
How could God
Not love
Someone
Like me
Intentionally made
In God’s image

God’s handiwork

God’s design

In the same way

I’m not shocked
When parents
Love their children
Beyond reason
Without condition

I’m not shocked

That God loves
What He created
Beyond reason
Without condition

In fact

To be honest
I rather
Expect
That kind of love

Almost feel

Entitled to it

And maybe

That is
As presumptuous
As it sounds

But while

I am sometimes
Confused

About the ways

God shows love
 
About how God
Delivers
The love
He has

That God loves

Is not something
I question anymore
At all

Matter

How much
Does it
Matter really
If we’ve read
Through the Bible
In a year

If we can quote

Full chapters
From memory

If we know

The Hebrew root
Of whatever

How much
Do such
Bible heroics
Matter really
If we aren’t
Even reading
It right

If we

Create meaning
Where there
Is none

If we

Skip over
The parts
That hold
Wisdom

If we don’t

Get the meaning
Right
I think
Not much else matters
At all

When Pain Comes Close

When pain comes close
When it settles in deep
It’s not something
That can be
Shaken off easily
Discarded at will

Pain

Settled in
Can only be
Picked up
And carried
Brought along
Through life
Until the weight of it lifts
Until the bulk of it
Lessens
Disintegrates almost
Leaving only its shell

A forever reminder

Of a journey made

Of wisdom gained
Of pain survived

A Little Restless

I am
A little restless

A little restless

To feel well

A little restless

For things to look forward to

A little restless

For work that energizes

A little restless

For hope

A little restless

But also
A little trapped

Not

The greatest
Of combinations
For me
Right now

Traces of Brokenness

If you listen
It is there
You can hear it
All the ways
We are broken

Sometimes

Subtle
Sometimes
Painfully clear

Traces of brokenness

In us all

All of us broken

In different ways
By different things
At different times

All of us broken

The only question
Is how much
Of our brokenness
We will share


      Audio Version

Cost Me

This journey
Has cost me

Alienated me

From family
And friends
Who have needed me
To be like minded

Whose acceptance

Was based on
Agreement

This journey

Has also changed me
And made me wise

Even so

When I think about
What this journey
Has cost me

It hurts

Standing

Standing quietly
Looking out
Over what life
Might hold
For me
Next

No choice in its coming

Only the choice
About whether to  
Acknowledge it
Introduce myself to it
Own my fear of it

And go towards it

Because it has to be
Gone towards

And it doesn’t matter

What I do
While I’m in it
Whether the journey is pretty
Or a mess at every step

It matters only

That I keep
Walking in it
And eventually through it
Because it has to be
Walked through

Whether I

Make peace with it
Or not

Stories

I am not sure
How much of life
Is us 
Writing our own stories
Making the right choices
Being open to opportunities
Crafting our futures
Creating our destinies

Versus us

Living our own stories
Choosing wisely 
From the options presented
But knowing
Life is what it is
Living the stories before us
Accepting what is acceptable
Changing what we can

I am not sure

What thought is more peaceful

The idea that

We have some sort of control
Over how life goes

Or the idea that

We all have a life before us
And our job is just
To live it well

Sacred Witness

I have been
A sacred witness
To the life of another
Sitting quietly with
And watching
Life unfold
Acknowledging what is
Accepting a certain lack
Of control
Over the course
Life is taking

And now 

I have also been
A sacred witness
To my own life
To my own body
Sitting quietly with it
As it heals
Listening as it tells me
What it needs
Because it knows intuitively
More than I know logically

A strange kind of honor

To be a sacred witness
To myself