Yelling At A Flower Store

Yelling at a flower store 

Not out loud of course

But internally for sure

 

Allegedly because I have a question 

And can’t find staff to help 

And I don’t have all day

Don’t even have all minute

Hurry it along please

 

I want to buy two things of flowers

To plop in the new whiskey barrels

That sit empty in front of my house

Though given to me as a gift

Three weeks ago

 

This getting of the flowers 

Not looked upon

With any level of enjoyment

Or anticipation 

But rather 

As yet another task

I’m late 

To get done

 

So despite the florist’s words

About the importance

Of custom designing the arrangements 

Based on what speaks to me

I can’t muster up care

 

Because what speaks to me now

Is the hard blue of exhaustion

The coral shades of apathy

The pale yellows of needing 

All the errands to end

So I can find me again

 

Reverse Resume

There is something so inauthentic about resumes with their white sheet of “this is what I can do” Times New Roman bullet point precision. It’s not that the information on resumes is untrue. It’s more a question of when did what’s on this paper become more important than what’s not on this paper? Where is the balance between sharing with the world snippets of our professional shiny selves vs. sharing anything of depth or vulnerability?

 

Maybe my lack of affection for resumes stems from the fact that titles have always made me uncomfortable (quite possibly because I haven’t had many important sounding titles). Even so, I’d prefer to be known for who I am as a person rather than by any skills I might have to offer. I’d prefer to have people think of me and know: This is someone you can count on; This is someone who does what she says; This is someone who has her priorities straight; This is someone who is consistently kind.

 

I wonder sometimes what would happen if we were asked to share what is most important to us in our lives outside of work. To provide a reverse resume of sorts that included not a litany of our professional achievements but rather a list of our most impactful non-work life experiences and choices. The kind of experiences that crystalize what is most meaningful about our time here. 

 

I envision a world of reverse resumes that answer questions like:

• What events in your life so far have made you a better person? 
• What experiences have shown you deep truths that you didn’t know before? 
• What in this life has broken you?
• What has changed you?

 

I picture whole sections of reverse resumes that highlight ways of being that give life more meaning such as:

• Attended most of my child’s soccer games this season. 

• Enrolled in a painting class that opened up the world of art to me
• Sat down for dinner together as a family three nights a week

 

I see a heading called “Great Books Read” with a list of the books that have had the greatest impact this year. Maybe there would also be heading called “Friendships Developed” with a list of people you’ve made a successful effort to know better. If we are being honest, there could even be a section titled “Friendships Let Go” to account for the fact that life changes and friendships do to.  

 

I imagine stacks of reverse resumes with a richness and depth of categories that reflect what it means to be human. Resumes with headings like: Memories Made, Dreams Birthed, Interests Pursued, Things Done Just Because I Could, Goals Reached, Goals I’m Working Towards, and so much more. 

 

It’s not that all the amazing things we can “do” aren’t important.  These things surely are important in relation to getting a job. 

 

It’s just that so much else is important too. 

 

And I hope we don’t forget that. 

 

I hope that no matter what we accomplish in life, we never lose sight of this tender timeless truth - Who we are will always be infinitely more important than what we can do. 

Middle Space

Every time I hear about a loss to suicide (famous or not), I think what more can we do.
 
I wonder a lot about the mysterious gap between the lives we present to the world and the decision that life is not worth living. I wonder what is happening in all that middle space. What is the tipping point that turns our internal dialogues desperate? For example, the middle space of my life was once dominated by deep worry about money and what size cardboard box I would surely be living in in the future. I wonder how many others also get stuck thinking they should be further along in life by now…should be better, healthier, more stable all around. I think that working towards our goals can be great but not if we link our basic worth to the outcome. Imagine the relief of believing that my life is still worthwhile even if that means just living the rest of it as the current version of me? Even if I don’t do anything more or leave a legacy or reach any financial goal that says I was a responsible adult.
 
Deep down, I wonder how many of those we encourage to reach out for help...already have and are still finding it hard and then what. I wonder if other people’s middle space is filled with, “I was brave and reached out for help like everyone said but now that I’m out of crisis mode, I’ve been told it will be 6 months before I can see a therapist (no availability), or the therapist I just waited so long to see isn’t a good fit or the two med regimens I’ve tried didn’t work at all now what. There is serious middle space here but talking about it…wow so hard.
 
I wonder – would it help if we all shared the middle spaces of our lives more freely? If there was more open conversation around ideas like mental wellness takes time; life is deeply disappointing sometimes and not because we are doing anything wrong or; finances, work, relationships and health…all are a journey and a challenge and not one of us is getting all of these things right at the same time. 
 
I wrote the following “Dirty Faucets” essay a few years ago and it’s not brave for me to share this now because things today are a lot better for me. For example, my roof has stopped leaking, we’ve been on some great vacations recently and the debt is cleared up. But for years this was our life and it was hard. There was such daily shame around “why can’t I figure this out when everyone else around me seems to have done so?” One day during that time, I looked down at my faucets which had hard water grime on them that would not budge and it was just symbolic of a lot going wrong. 
 
Maybe one day I’ll share an essay about the things I’m worried about today - my current middle space - but one step at a time. For now, maybe we can consider this: We don’t have to get our messy lives cleaned up today to be worthy. We don’t have to earn a good life. We are worthy of a good happy life right now in the middle of the mess. And we are in good company because every person around has their own messes too…I promise they do. We are all just really good at hiding them. 

 

 

https://thoughtsongriefandgod.blogspot.com/2022/12/dirty-faucets.html 

Dirty Faucets

Note: The Middle Space essay above is the Intro to this one

I wonder sometimes how others live. Are other people’s faucets a little dirty, stained from life and hard water like mine? Is anyone else out there opening her microwave with a fork because the handle fell off, not yesterday but years ago? I look around sometimes and feel like I must be the only one this far behind. The only one approaching 50 with $0 in my savings account. Oh, it was building up for a brief moment until our house needed things that couldn’t wait any longer. The driveway we’d put off for years became undriveable, demanded paving ($7,000) and our windows were literally crumbling in their frames ($10,000). So we used up the savings we had managed to cobble together (which quite frankly wasn’t really going to save us anyway) and got a 7 year loan for what remains and that is why our savings is $0 now and it’s not like I’m in my 20’s here. It should be a lot more right? Right. A lot in my life should be a lot more. But here I am. I work as hard as anyone but staying just ahead of expenses feels forever like an uphill climb. It feels like how I’d only previously assumed that people who spent recklessly and didn’t work hard might feel. A lot of times, it feels like failure. Do others feel this? 
 
I wonder what would happen if every once in a while, we all just said out loud where we are in life so we could get a sense of what is typical and so others wouldn’t feel so lost or assume that everyone else had it all figured out. And what if we also were all just honest about the things that break our hearts and scare the hell out of us?

Ok, I’ll start. What if I told people:
 

• That I cannot foresee saving enough money to live comfortably in retirement so thinking about the future scares me.

• That our roof has leaked for 5 years despite the roofer’s best attempts to make it stop and once we find the source of the leak, our next battle will be to pay for the 5 years of damage that’s been caused.  

• That this year I’m in a delicate dance with finances trying to figure out how to fit a $5000 dental implant and a $2000 root canal into a budget that is already tapped. That I waited 2 months with a buzzing tooth for a root canal because that’s when insurance would pay half. That my multi-step dental implant process will span three years because the money needed to cover it will take that long to accrue. 

• That we paid off nearly $30K in credit card debt a few years ago and so with every new unexpected expense, debt nips at our heels and threatens all the hard work we’ve put in.  

• That our car is 16 years old and that it was 9 years old when we bought it because that’s what we could afford. 

• That planning what to do during vacation weeks is always tinged with disappointment that it can’t be something more.

• That whenever anyone asks if I have any interesting vacations planned, what I hear is “do you have $5K - $10K in disposable income to spend solely on fun this year?”  And I don’t. Well, I did last year but that involved a 6  - month payment plan and cashing in three weeks of vacation time which quite honestly, was a once in a lifetime type of sacrifice. 

• That I often wonder how one income people with kids put food on the table

• That I love my home and my town, and I chose this partner, this house, and this career. But that everything is so hard all the time with money with us.

• That I’m not sure I’ll ever get paid to do what I love or have the chance to live my dreams.

• That I have what I need but I don’t typically get to do what I want.

• That it makes me sad that my appearance will likely never again be what I want it to be (weight, hair, skin, you name it).

• That money is the thing that makes me feel like a failure no matter how hard I work or how closely we follow our budget. 

• That it hurts. 

• That it seems like many others don’t have stress around money and maybe that’s the way life is with two incomes or just maybe they are in debt but either way, other people’s lives are not my business. 

• That I don’t want anyone else’s money or life, but I would like to feel less shame about sharing that my finances are not carefree, not in the past, not now and not for the foreseeable rest of my life.  

 
I could go on and on. But I’m just one life, one story. One girl doing the best she can surrounded by others just trying to do the same.

To Stay Here

To stay here

Is to accept

 

That we might be shot

At the market

While we work

In our schools

Or simply walking down the street

 

That we are 

One car crash away

From being 

Forever changed

 

That cancer might grow in us 

Unnoticed

While we are going about our day 

Because of some poisons we breathed 

Or some chemical we ate too much of

Or for no real reason at all

 

That we risk daily

Randomly losing 

Those we hold dear

 

To stay here

Is to acknowledge

That we may never reach 

The finish line

We were running towards

The goals

We’ve been working towards

 

To stay here

Is to acknowledge

That our reason for staying here 

May likely change with time

From reaching a specific goal

To seeing how far we can get

Despite the odds 

 

To stay here

Is to stare down disappointment 

And realize 

That disappointment 
Sometimes wins

 

Yet we stay here

 

Stay here

 

Stay to rewrite life’s rules

 

Stay not because 

Life has treated you well

 

Stay because 

Perfection is a lie

 

Stay because 

The very best parts of life

Are found more easily

And felt more deeply

By those who have once

Been broken

 

Stay because

The miracle is

That we exist

For any time

At all

 

 

 

Bend

Bend with life’s changes

Change with life’s seasons

And sometimes 

Just go ahead

And be

Still

 

It’s Ok

It's Ok

To not love your job

 

To do work

That pays the bills

But doesn’t fill your soul 

 

Soul filling work

Isn’t all that common

Anyway

 

A rare gift reserved

For major league athletes

Hollywood actresses

And fairytales

 

It’s ok if you toil hard

So you can afford

To fit in 

The parts of your life

That fill you up

 

That make your imagination soar

 

That splash with color

 

And just the right words

 

And so much meaning that

It overflows from you 

Out onto the world

 

It’s ok if your job is not the thing

That inspires you

 

You are more than what 

You are paid for

 

And what you offer freely

From the deepest part of yourself 

 

The world couldn’t afford anyway 

 

 

Race

In a life that feels like a race

That feels like 

The first sound recalled

Is the starting shot 

Of the gun

Then the charge to run
Fast

Faster
Don’t stop
Don’t rest

Don’t you dare

Rest
Catch up
Pass if you can

Overtake

Or you will be

Overtaken

I’m going to stop running now

 

It’s time to walk

 

Because it is seeming like a trick

There was never going to be a finish line anyway

Was never going to be a place for celebration 

 

Never going to be permission to rest

Just a constant striving
A never ending sprint

I’m going to slow down now

Take my time
Enjoy the view 

 

Actually notice

There is a view

To enjoy

Wish the crowds 

Rushing by me well

 

Bask in the breeze

They make

As they pass

Equal Parts

Life is 

Equal parts

Broken and

Fixed

 

Equal measure

Heart break and

Heart repair

 

Well maybe

Not quite 

Equal

 

It’s hard to tell

 

When hard times

Seem to last longer

Feel heavier

 

Maybe it’s just 

That the hard times

Are louder

 

Then the easy

Which are more

Like a whisper

 

Which are so hopeful

We can’t help but

Lose track of time

 

And be taken

By surprise 

When they are over

 

Never

Quite ready

For them

To go

What We Are Healing From

Half the battle 

Of this life

Is acknowledging

What we are

Still healing

From

 

Personally

I’m still healing from 

 

Disappointing others

With how I live

And what I believe

Though I am living my truth

 

Disappointing myself

With how I let 

The opinions of others

Impact me

 

Disappointment overall

With the unfair

Unsteady way

This world works

 

With how people die too soon

How unkind words can leave permanent scars

How jobs pay our bills but don’t fill our souls

How illnesses linger

 

It’s a challenge

To live this life

And grieve it 

At the same time

 

To acknowledge

That this beautiful life

Often lets us down

And isn’t going to change

 

And that’s really ok

Because maybe 

I let life down too

 

Maybe life spends its spare time

Trying to figure out 

How to heal

From me

 

Maybe life

And the humans living it

Are in a constant clumsy

Dance 

 

Moving forward

In the only ways 

We know how

 

Doing our best

Along the way

Grow Faster

As Sequoias

Get older

They grow faster

 

Becoming 

More impressive

With age

 

And I intend

To do

The same

 

Worth The Risk

When Giant Sequoias

Are threatened 

Their cones close

Curl up into themselves

To survive

 

To this

I can relate

 

But they don’t 

Stay closed

 

Despite the damage caused

Despite any lingering pain 

 

Despite the utter disappointment

Of learning again

That the world

Is not safe

 

When the danger passes

The cones reopen

 

Offer themselves up 

To the world

 

Knowing this

Is the way 

To something better

 

Deciding 

It’s all worth

The risk

Whatever Your Dream Is

Whatever your dream is

 

Whatever is nudging you 

To consider

A fresh new career
A breathtaking trip 

A move to an unfamiliar place

Whatever is calling you to

 

Try a new recipe
Take a day trip 
Pursue a hobby

 

Whatever it is

Even if 

It’s something as simple

 

As planting a poetry post
In front of your house
Simply because 

You like words 

Maybe it’s time

 

Maybe today is the day

To take a step
In the direction 
Of that dream

Change

Here’s to people

Who take big leaps of change

By choice

 

Who shake things up

Willingly

On a regular basis

 

Because it’s usually

Someone else’s changes

That make me change

 

Someone else’s decision

To leave a job

That changes the nature

Of my job

 

Someone else’s decision 

To relocate

That turns my social circle 

Inside out

 

I do not change

By choice

 

I cling 

To each stage of life

Tightly

 

I hold on for dear life

 

Always feeling lucky 

To have made it 

To that space

 

Rather than considering that

 

Anything I have in life

Might be due

At least in part

To my own 

Good decisions

 

Anywhere I am in life

Might be the result

Of luck 

But also effort

 

Might be meant as

A stepping stone 

Along the path

To another

Destination

Rather than

A place 

I should 

Consider home

 

Hard not to view

Every place 

I find myself

As a life boat

I was just lucky 

To come across

 

Everything I have

As something

That will soon 

Be taken from me

If I’m not careful

 

It’s not relaxing

This way of thinking

 

Always feeling 

Like I’m just one step ahead

Of a very steep fall

 

Typically reacting to change

Rather than initiating it

 

Rarely leaping

But finding myself

In free fall 

Whenever others in my life

Do