Every time I hear about a loss to suicide (famous or not), I think what more can we do.
I wonder a lot about the mysterious gap between the lives we present to the world and the decision that life is not worth living. I wonder what is happening in all that middle space. What is the tipping point that turns our internal dialogues desperate? For example, the middle space of my life was once dominated by deep worry about money and what size cardboard box I would surely be living in in the future. I wonder how many others also get stuck thinking they should be further along in life by now…should be better, healthier, more stable all around. I think that working towards our goals can be great but not if we link our basic worth to the outcome. Imagine the relief of believing that my life is still worthwhile even if that means just living the rest of it as the current version of me? Even if I don’t do anything more or leave a legacy or reach any financial goal that says I was a responsible adult.
Deep down, I wonder how many of those we encourage to reach out for help...already have and are still finding it hard and then what. I wonder if other people’s middle space is filled with, “I was brave and reached out for help like everyone said but now that I’m out of crisis mode, I’ve been told it will be 6 months before I can see a therapist (no availability), or the therapist I just waited so long to see isn’t a good fit or the two med regimens I’ve tried didn’t work at all now what. There is serious middle space here but talking about it…wow so hard.
I wonder – would it help if we all shared the middle spaces of our lives more freely? If there was more open conversation around ideas like mental wellness takes time; life is deeply disappointing sometimes and not because we are doing anything wrong or; finances, work, relationships and health…all are a journey and a challenge and not one of us is getting all of these things right at the same time.
I wrote the following “Dirty Faucets” essay a few years ago and it’s not brave for me to share this now because things today are a lot better for me. For example, my roof has stopped leaking, we’ve been on some great vacations recently and the debt is cleared up. But for years this was our life and it was hard. There was such daily shame around “why can’t I figure this out when everyone else around me seems to have done so?” One day during that time, I looked down at my faucets which had hard water grime on them that would not budge and it was just symbolic of a lot going wrong.
Maybe one day I’ll share an essay about the things I’m worried about today - my current middle space - but one step at a time. For now, maybe we can consider this: We don’t have to get our messy lives cleaned up today to be worthy. We don’t have to earn a good life. We are worthy of a good happy life right now in the middle of the mess. And we are in good company because every person around has their own messes too…I promise they do. We are all just really good at hiding them.
I wonder a lot about the mysterious gap between the lives we present to the world and the decision that life is not worth living. I wonder what is happening in all that middle space. What is the tipping point that turns our internal dialogues desperate? For example, the middle space of my life was once dominated by deep worry about money and what size cardboard box I would surely be living in in the future. I wonder how many others also get stuck thinking they should be further along in life by now…should be better, healthier, more stable all around. I think that working towards our goals can be great but not if we link our basic worth to the outcome. Imagine the relief of believing that my life is still worthwhile even if that means just living the rest of it as the current version of me? Even if I don’t do anything more or leave a legacy or reach any financial goal that says I was a responsible adult.
Deep down, I wonder how many of those we encourage to reach out for help...already have and are still finding it hard and then what. I wonder if other people’s middle space is filled with, “I was brave and reached out for help like everyone said but now that I’m out of crisis mode, I’ve been told it will be 6 months before I can see a therapist (no availability), or the therapist I just waited so long to see isn’t a good fit or the two med regimens I’ve tried didn’t work at all now what. There is serious middle space here but talking about it…wow so hard.
I wonder – would it help if we all shared the middle spaces of our lives more freely? If there was more open conversation around ideas like mental wellness takes time; life is deeply disappointing sometimes and not because we are doing anything wrong or; finances, work, relationships and health…all are a journey and a challenge and not one of us is getting all of these things right at the same time.
I wrote the following “Dirty Faucets” essay a few years ago and it’s not brave for me to share this now because things today are a lot better for me. For example, my roof has stopped leaking, we’ve been on some great vacations recently and the debt is cleared up. But for years this was our life and it was hard. There was such daily shame around “why can’t I figure this out when everyone else around me seems to have done so?” One day during that time, I looked down at my faucets which had hard water grime on them that would not budge and it was just symbolic of a lot going wrong.
Maybe one day I’ll share an essay about the things I’m worried about today - my current middle space - but one step at a time. For now, maybe we can consider this: We don’t have to get our messy lives cleaned up today to be worthy. We don’t have to earn a good life. We are worthy of a good happy life right now in the middle of the mess. And we are in good company because every person around has their own messes too…I promise they do. We are all just really good at hiding them.
https://thoughtsongriefandgod.blogspot.com/2022/12/dirty-faucets.html
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