With Time

Pain
Doesn’t always
Get better
With time

Sometimes pain

Doesn’t ease
And time
Only confirms
Its depth

I think it depends on the pain

I can make

This pain
Go away

By making him

Go away

An option

That grows
More appealing
Each day

An option

Not without pain
But a pain
That would ease
Not intensify
With time

Who I Was Before

I'm not
Who I was
Before

That person

Was swept away
With my old life

So when people act

Like nothing has changed
Either because
They don't know it has
Or because
They don't want to admit it has

It is confusing

Nice but

Kind of offensive

Like getting

A compliment
On something
You no longer
Own

A little painful

Disappointing people
With who I am

A little painful

All the love
For the me
I used to be

Not much

For the me
I am now

Suck

People
Who avoid
People
In pain
Because they don’t know
What to say
Suck

I am one of those people

I have avoided

And I have been avoided

So I kind of suck too

That is how I know that

I didn’t know what to say
Is often just code for
I didn’t want to see your pain
I didn’t want to witness
What you have to endure
I didn’t want your pain
To disrupt my life
I didn’t want to do it

No one

Really knows
What to say

But words

Are secondary
To presence

Being willing to

Come alongside the hurting
Listen to the confusion
Tolerate a fair amount of ranting
See the ugliness that accompanies pain
Feel the waves of confusion
Acknowledge the dark unknown
Experience the constant discomfort
Admit that relief
Isn’t coming soon
 
It’s not about finding the right words
It’s about deciding how close
To get to the hurting

That is hard

That is what people avoid
That is what many
Aren’t willing
To do

That is why

So many

Are alone
In their pain
And no one knows
What to say

Damage

I wonder sometimes
What long term damage
He will have
From the medicines
He takes
To help him

I wonder sometimes

What long term damage
I will have
From carrying  
This much sadness inside
For this long

Neither is optional

But I do wonder sometimes

About these things
Which are
Permanently
Changing us
Both
From the inside out

Ask

I don’t ask things
Of God
Anymore

All my energy

Is spent up
Surviving

God sees all

Knows the pain of my life
Knows what is needed
Knows how the need can be met
Knows the needs that will go unmet

I believe God is compassionate

I believe God cares
I believe God works through people
I believe God works in people

So I don’t think

It’s about me
Asking God
Again and again
For what I need

I think it’s more
About God
Asking people, myself included
Again and again
To meet the needs
That God reveals
To alleviate the burdens
Within reach

Lack

Some days
Loss screams in my ear
Lack yells in my face

Tells me

How far I have to go
All I am missing
What little I have to look forward to

But I already know

What I’ve lost
I’m very clear
On what my life lacks

No need to scream

No need to yell

I can hear me

Quietly listing
Each loss, every lack
Just fine
On my own

What God Intended

So much in this world
Is not
What God
Intended

That is what

I have
To believe
                        
I have to believe
If God had things
God’s way
The world would have less
Bitter pain
Life altering damage
Unfixable brokenness
Gut wrenching grief

I have to believe

If God had things
God’s way
There would be
Deeper wells of love
Wider stretches of comfort
More time lost in laughter
Longer soul filling breathes

What is

Is not
What God
Intended

It just can’t be

Who would intend

A world like this
On people
So well loved

Strong Men

Strong men die
Nice guys have psychotic breaks
Marriages end
Disease wins
The innocence
Of children
Is stolen

Merciless suffering

Unbearable pain

This is life

The part of life

That must somehow be
Reconciled with
God loves you

It has to be reconciled

Or life will be shallow

Or there will always be

Things deep inside
Not spoken of

It has to be reconciled

Or there will be a disconnect

Between life as we want it

And life as we know it

Between God as we want God

And God as God is

A Hard Balance

It’s a hard balance
Deciding how much
Or how little now
To help him

Letting him be

Who he wants to be
Even if that means
He wants
To be no one
To do nothing

A hard balance
Living my life
Not stopping to ask
Him to come along

A hard balance living

Without asking him
To live

A hard balance living

With him but
Without his company

I’m just being polite really

Feels rude

Not to ask him
To come along
To live

But it gets old

To ask and have
The invitations
Ignored

It gets old

To keep asking

It gets old

To keep balancing
Us both

 

Fun

Fun
I’m not sure
What you are now

Are you a thing

An event
A state of mind

Can heavy hearted people

Have fun
Does fun make the heart
Less heavy

I have memories of fun

Of times
When I was just happy
Not thinking
Just lost in the living
Just being

Skydiving was fun

Going to Letterman was fun
Island vacations were fun
Concerts were fun
Going dancing was fun
Buying new stuff was fun
Hope was fun

My life right now

Not fun

The only thing

I would find fun
About jumping out of a plane today
Would be secretly wishing
That the chute
Didn’t open

The only thing

I would find fun
About planning a getaway today
Would be hoping
That I never
Had to come back
 
So I don’t think fun
Is what I want
Fun is temporary
I want something more permanent

I want to be done with this

I want to breathe again

I want lack of pain

 
That would be fun
I would like that a lot

Now how
Can I get myself
Some of that

Writing

Writing is how I hear myself
How I know I have a voice
Where I tell the unacceptable truth
How I talk myself down from the ledge
My anti anxiety pill
My company on the bad days
And there are so many bad days

Writing

Gives me
Temporary peace
Relief from what is hurting

I write so much

Because I hurt so much

And all that

Finds its way to paper
Started as hurt
Started as a big ball of pain
That had to get itself sorted
Had to get itself out of my guts
So I could keep moving

I’m sure I’d cry more

If I didn’t write
Probably implode
If I wasn’t able
To name my pain

Because hurt

Needs a name
And pain
Needs a voice

Even if no one wants to hear it

Even if no one is listening
Even if it’s my own voice
 
I am listening
I hear it
And I want to know
What it has to say

Fall

Fall
When everything fell           
Leaves
Life

It’s no wonder

I don’t like you
Anymore

Helped

It confused me
For a while
That though there were  
So many helpers
I didn’t feel helped

Lots of people around

Doing things that were kind
So why
Did I feel
So alone

I think

It has to do
With this

They offered a lot

They brought help

In tangible forms
That I accepted
Food
Company
A shoulder

But they also brought pain

A belief system
That I rejected
God planned this for you
All works for good
It will turn out ok

Material comfort

Spiritual isolation

No one to blame really
Help in any form is kind

No one to blame

Because beliefs are personal
Should never be forced

No one to blame but also

No one to confide in
About the disconnect
Between what I knew of God
And what was now my life

My material needs

Were well met
By loving people

But the help that

Would have made me
Feel helped
Feel cared for
Feel not so alone
Was spiritual

Help in the form

Of words that said
I don’t know where God is in this
This doesn’t make sense
With what I believe about God either
This doesn’t seem to be getting better

That help

Was not found
In church

And that

Rejection
Of the reality
I was living and still live

Has left a scar

Deep in my soul
That is taking
A long time
To heal

About Waiting

Real life
Authentic life
Is a lot
About waiting
With people

Waiting

Waiting with them in their unknown

Waiting with them in their misery
Waiting with them when it is uncomfortable to wait
Waiting though you can’t fix a thing

Waiting because it’s the only thing to do

Waiting however it’s called for
Waiting in whatever capacity you can wait

Waiting

With each other
For life
To reveal
What’s next

Heard

I am quiet
But I want to be heard

Everyone wants to be heard

Those that talk a lot

And those that whisper

All wanting the same thing

All just wanting to be heard

 

Acknowlege

Sometimes
People ask
What words
Of comfort
Could be said
That would ease
My pain

And I think

There are
No words

But it helps when people

Don’t guess at the reasons
Or the tell me how it is going to turn out

It helps when people

Don’t ignore my pain
Talking about everything but

It helps when people

Just acknowledge
How hard it must be
Say I’m sorry if they are

Just

Acknowledge
My pain

That would be nice

You’d be surprised

How rarely
People
Acknowledge
What they fear