Taught

I was taught
How to live and
What to believe

By someone

As we all are

That is not

What upsets me

What upsets me is

I was taught
Just one way to live
Just one way to believe

One right way

All other ways wrong

One right lens

Through which
To view
The world

All other lenses

Covered
Feared
Ignored

All other lenses black

One lens

Giving a snapshot view
Of a panoramic world

Break

It’s OK
To need a break
And not really
Even know
What that
Means

To know only
That it involves
Sitting still
Somewhere quiet
Letting thoughts settle
Letting worries roll off
Letting go of it all
For a while

Imagine

Imagine
Life
With a future
That is gray
Dreams that are futile
Pain that’s always present
Each day survived

Imagine

Life
With a future
That is bright
Plans that excite
Dreams that come true
Peace that’s always present
Each day lived

I know

Which life
I have

And it scares me

I can no longer
Imagine it
Otherwise

Not Awful

Life is not awful
Anymore
It’s just
A little sad

I miss things

I miss life’s little luxuries

I miss picking where I want to go on vacation
I miss the anticipation of a new purchase
I miss that little high you get from new stuff
I miss the thinking something good might happen
I miss not having to think so hard about buying things for fun 
I miss buying kayaks and writing desks on a whim
I miss wasting money actually
I miss not feeling sucker punched every time something in my house breaks
I miss not feeling in a race against time to pay down debt before the next hammer drops
I miss how much easier my old life was

Life is not awful

But life is not good

And I can’t say

I’ll be sad
When it’s
Over

Keep God

I had
To get rid
Of knowing anything
For sure

I had

To undo
All I’d learned
About God

I had
To think differently
About the way
God works

I had

To step away
From those
Who couldn’t
Question deeply

Or tolerate

Deep questions

I had to stand alone

I had to make some kind of sense
I had to come to different conclusions

I had to

Do these things

It was

The only way
I could
Keep God

Everywhere

I see God now
In everything
Everywhere
All the time

In people

In clouds
In passing comments
In furry pets
In warm souls
In wonderful food

Unmistakably there

God

That I see
So clearly now
Without effort

How come

I couldn’t
See you then

God

That I want to believe
Is everywhere
All the time

Where were you

When my world
Went black

I want to know

Because how

Can I say
You are everywhere
Always
If I can’t
Figure out
Where you were

Exactly where were you God

Where was my help

As he was starting to lose his mind

As his confusion grew deeper
When my sense of safety fell apart
When he covered himself in feces
When he screamed threats in my face
When hospitals released him unwell
When I was begging for guidance
When I lived for months
A breath away
From the edge
Of a black hole
To nowhere

Were you there at all

Were you there

In people
In clouds
In passing comments
In furry pets
In warm souls
In wonderful food
But I didn’t see You
Because none
Of those things
Mattered

And if you were there

Then why
Weren’t you there
In ways I could see

Why weren’t you there

In ways that mattered

So hard still

For me
To accept

That I’m sure

You knew
Where I was God

But I just

Don’t know
Where you were

You Can't Have That

So much
In my life
Ends with
You can’t
Have that

Now

Or maybe
Ever

Life

Is not
Kind

But life

You don’t win

You can’t make me unkind

You can’t steal my soul
You can’t turn me bitter

You

Just
Can’t

There is much

I can’t have
From you life

But guess what

There is much more

That you can’t have
From me

I Hope

I hope
Those around me
Feel always free
To be honest

To say

Life disappoints me today

To scream

Loud and fierce
When they need to

To feel no pressure

To keep it together
When life is breaking apart
Around them

To say openly

I’m so confused
When surrounded
By confusion

I hope

Those around me
Can be exactly
Who they are

And I hope

I can
Be that
Right back