Magic

Any magic
In my house
Is there
Because
I bring it

Nothing done

That I don’t do

No plans made

That I don’t make

Nothing dreamed

That I don’t dream

No magic other

Than what
I bring

No magic

Lives here
Just a tired
Magic maker

Yell

Sometimes
I wonder
Why I don’t yell
To be heard

Why yelling

Even when called for
Has never
Come naturally
To me

Maybe because

The times
I most
Want to yell
Are the times
I need my world
Most quiet

Maybe because

In the quiet
I hear me

Maybe because

When I yell
Others hear me fine
But I don’t hear me
At all

Maybe because

When I yell
I drown out
My own voice

Miss

Important things
I need
To tell myself

Miss hearing

My own pain
Honoring what’s been damaged
Discerning next steps

Miss so much

Because I’m giving
My voice
To someone else
Who has taken
So much
Already

Partner

I need a partner
Who sees the beauty in life
Who has an opinion  
Who isn’t ashamed of his brokenness
And brings his whole self to the world

I need a partner

Who is thankful for what little he has
Who has dreams and cares to know mine
Who shares in daily life, takes pride in his home
And keeps it in order
        
I need a partner
Who has hobbies and interests
Who invests in friendships
Who shares responsibility for finances

I need partner

Who is hopeful about the future
Who sincerely cares about other people
Who wants to be alive

I don’t have that

And I don’t quite

Know what to do
With what
I have

The partner I have

I don’t need

I have a partner
Who is dragged through life attached to other people’s lives, plans and goals
Who waits for others to tell him what’s planned for the day
Who has been waiting for years for life to come to him
Who never asks about finances, has no interest in how bills gets paid
Who by not choosing, has chosen to give up
Who has quietly given away all his power

I have a partner

Who is alive
But doesn’t
Want to live

Companion

I’m sure
I could find
Someone new

To tell me I’m pretty

Take me to dinner
Share with me his money
Go with me here or there

Company

Like that
Doesn’t seem
Hard to find

But I’m not sure

I could find
Another companion

I’m not sure

How many of those
You get
In a lifetime

And without

A companion
I’m not sure
That the rest of it
Matters

 

Invisible

Being ignored
To me is worse
Than being insulted

Because insult

At least acknowledges
Presence

But being looked past

Looked through
Made to feel invisible

Denies presence

Denies that existence

Is important enough even
For insult

Party

Life is like
A party
You set off to
With highest
Expectations

That the food

Will be gourmet
The conversation inspiring
And the music dance worthy

But when

You get there
You find

The food is just Ok

The conversation stilted
The music uninspired

It is what it is

And you are who you are
Standing there
In the middle of it

And right then

You decide

To fill your plate full

Say your hellos
And get out on the dance floor
Anyway

Depression Stew

You know
What it’s like
To walk into
A home
Where something’s
Been simmering
All day

Maybe beef stew

In a crock pot
Or Italian sauce
On the stove

The scent

Fills the home
Envelops all
Who enter

Depression

Is like that too

The scent

When you enter
The home
Of someone
Who’s simmered
All day
In sadness

A distinct

Texture
In the air

A face

Imprinted
With sleep

A mind foggy, disengaged

The unmistakable

Disheartening
Scent of it

Depression stew

Choose

Choose life or
Choose death

But don’t stay here

In the middle
Of nowhere
Suffering

You can’t

I can’t

It’s too much

Just
Choose

 

 

 

 

My Terms

Early on
When pain
Was new

I was off

And running
Full steam ahead
At the first sign
Of crisis

At the first

Sign of trouble
I was there
In the driver’s seat
Engine revving
Pedal to the floor
Before I could even
Fasten myself in

But not anymore

I’m not

Getting right
In the car
This time

And when I do get in

I’m not going fast

I’m going to

Take a breath first
Fasten my belt
See what directions are available
And make sure
I have provisions
For the journey

My terms now

We get there

When we get there

We end up

Where we end up

I drive the car now

The car doesn’t

Drive me
 

 

When It's Quiet

I need
To be
So quiet now

Go deep
Within my soul

Find the calm
I know is there

Find the quiet
Where peace lives

Hard to find
But findable

When it’s quiet
In my soul

Depression

It is hard
To share life
With depression

Hard

To even admit
How hard it is

The energy it takes
Not to let his sadness
Take me down

How heavy it is

To lift
Two people

How sad it is

To live with someone
Who hasn’t one spec
Of the hope of a dream
For the future
Much less a plan
For tomorrow

How hard

It is
To know
Someday
I will need
To decide

But not today

I’ve lost him

My happy traveling companion

Lost the days
Of carefree adventures
Only long hard journeys now

Watched Your Life Change

Have you ever
Watched your life change

Before your eyes

Saw in slow motion

Everything important
Fall away

Reached out hands

In a frantic attempt
To grab some pieces
Before they were gone

And come up empty

Have you ever

Watched your life change

Watched everything familiar

Sink into a hole
Taking with it
The map
For your life

Have you ever

Watched your life change

Known instantly

Nothing more
Could be done
To save it

Knowing only

The life
Left behind
Was staring you
In the face
Asking the impossible
Still needing
To be lived

Small

I refuse
To feel small

In the presence

Of those
Who don’t
See me

Or care

To know me

I’m plenty big

On the inside

I’m stand alone strong

And I don’t need

To be seen

To know

I’m here

Heart

My Heart
Breaks open

When I see

The hearts of others
Break open

That’s why

I think
My heart
Will never again
Be whole

So much brokenness in me

So much brokenness around me

And my heart

Breaks open
To hold
It all

Always A Choice

There is
Always
A choice

Raw food or Fritos

Hope or Despair
Move towards or
Move away from
 
Choices
Limited at times
But always
There
For the making

Honor

I want
My changed life
Acknowledged
Not ignored

I want

The truth of my life
Honored
Not misrepresented

I don’t

Require help
With my new life

But I do

Have some
Requests

Don’t look

Into my life
And conclude
It hasn’t changed

Don’t hold

Yourself up
As more holy
Or wise

Don’t pity me

Or patronize me

Because if

You do
These things

I’ll have
To shut
You out
 
And honor
What is
And what’s changed
Without you

See

I feel 
A terrible ache
For my old life
The ease of it

I feel

A pain inside
That leaves me weak
Defenseless

I feel

A hurt
That catches me off guard
With its depth

I feel my wounds

And accept them
As part of me

Invisible wounds

So obvious to me

But not to others

I wonder
What do people see
When they look at me

I wonder

If they can’t see
The biggest parts of me
The things that have
Most shaped me

What is it

That they see

War

I wonder
When faith
Became
A war

Us vs. Them

I don’t know

What God asks
Of others

But God

Hasn’t asked me
To enlist
In an army

The Lord’s army

Any army

To make

Protection
Of boundaries
The trademark
Of my faith

I am not

At war

I am not

Afraid of differences

I do not

Feel threatened
In the least
By my fellow
Humans

All I know

Is I was walking
With God
With others around me
And somehow the walk
Turned into

A march

A protest
A movement
I never
Signed up for

So I am

Continuing
The walk
But separating
From the march

Walking

On my own
With a different philosophy
About what
God came
To do

About how

God would act
If here

I don’t

Think God would hide
Behind a barricade
Shooting arrows
At those who
Live differently

I think

God would walk
Among people
Unprotected, unthreatened

Loving them

Hearing them
Honoring them
 
Not warring with them

Just inviting them
Peacefully
To walk alongside

I Did Not

I did not
Fall
Away

I was shot

From a rocket
Away from
Everything
I knew

And I survived

And rose up
And realized

Where I came from

Was not a place
I could
Return to

I did not

Leave
Home

My house

Burned to ash
Around me
Requiring that
I make
My home
Elsewhere

I did not

Walk away
From God

Though for a time

If God was there
God wasn’t
Findable

Shot far away

Home burned to ash
God not found

You don’t
Journey back
From that

You journey forward

You don’t

Rebuild
With old plans

You build new

You don’t

Set limits
On where
God is found

You set your gaze wider

So I journey forward

And I build new
And I gaze wider

Not because
I fell away
Or walked away

But because

This was
The only
Way

I Put

I put
Good food
In my body
Today

I took

Myself
For a walk

I filled

My mind
With things
That give hope

I stopped

For a minute
To dream

I paused
To honor
The deep hurt
Within me

I read things

That made
Me laugh

These

Are the things
I must do

These

Are the things
No one
Can do
For me

These are

The things
That make my life
Worth living

And though
They take effort
And time
And strength

They
Also
Give
Life

And I

Am worth it