We Say We Want Peace

We say we want peace
A simpler world
Filled with
Community gardens
Sunshine
Kindness

Yet we live like savages

We stomp on our neighbor’s gardens
We block the sunshine
We are so incredibly
Un-kind

We take
More than
We need

We take
What we
Could leave
 
We take
Each other’s
Parking spaces

We say that we want peace
And then go right on living
In ways that prove
We don’t 

Respect It

When we can’t truly fathom
What it has been like
To live through
What someone else
Has survived
 
In that case

Could we just try
To respect it

Trust that if someone says

That was hard
Nearly killed me
And changed me forever
That it did

Can we accept
That sometimes
Words to explain
The unexplainable
Simply do not
Exist

But the person
In front of us

Does exist

And deserves
The story

Painful as it may be

To be acknowledged

I Remember

Every time I hear
About someone written off
As crazy
 
I remember
When someone I love
Was written off
As the same

Every time I hear
If that happens again
I’m going to kill myself
Said only as a joke
 
I remember
That someone important to me
Really almost killed himself
And someday still might
 
Every time I am reminded
That even now
People would rather me not talk
About what I have survived
 
I remember
The unbearable isolation
Of those difficult years
 
And I am humbled
 
Because I also remember
Times gone by

When I would joke
About someone needing their meds
If their behavior was different

And how funny
That was to me then
Before I loved someone
Whose life meds
Have saved

The difference is clear
Before I didn’t know

And now
I remember

Compassion

Where is our
Collective compassion

For animals

For each other

For journeys
We are spared
But see others
Being asked
To walk
 
Where is the knowing
That we are one

That your pain
Is my pain

That you
Are just me
With different shoes

We have forgotten
What we share

Lost our ability
To see ourselves
In each other
 
And with every
Word of hatred
Hurled outward
To wound another
 
We wound ourselves
Just as deeply
 
And suffer
All the more

Exactly

What if I
Am already exactly
Who I am meant to be
In this world

Exactly

Someone who feels deeply
 
And takes words
At face value

Full of doubt

On some days
And confidence
On the others
 
What if all this
Is exactly
As it should be

And precisely

What is needed  

I Am 46

I am 46
But will be 51
When the new windows
Just installed
To replace the ones
Literally crumbling
Off of our house
Are paid off

I am 46

With still one year left to pay
On the smartly paved driveway
Which replaced the one
With the dirt sunken holes
That made it undriveable

I am 46

And the stone stairs
That lead into my home
Have just this week
Disintegrated
Which is immediately hazardous
And imminently costly

I am 46

And have once again
Set aside my dream
Of standing in the shadows
Of the Sequoias
Even on our 20th anniversary
 
Not because we don’t deserve this
Everybody deserves this

But because

I still can’t
Afford it

And all of this
Is so incredibly
Disappointing

Until I remember
 
I am 46
With a car parked comfortably
In my paved driveway
And stone stairs
That lead into a home
With warm new windows
 
A home that is safe
A home that is a refuge
A home that is nice to be inside of
A home that is enough

And I think

How lucky I am
At 46
To have
All this

Either Or

I wonder if I
Will ever learn
How to stop
Living either or

Start
Living and

I am competent and I make mistakes
I am brave and I am also afraid
I am confident and I also doubt myself
I am peaceful and I am disappointed
I love people and I love solitude
I am disciplined and I also wonder aimless

I wonder if

I will ever
Truly
Believe

That my mistakes

Don't make me unworthy
My fears don't make me useless
My need for quiet does not make me weak

That I

Am not
One thing at a time
 
I am
Many things
All the time
 
All of us
All the time
Not one thing or the other
But more

Life Stands Still

As the lives
Of those around me

Spin with

Activity

Fill with

Opportunities

Launch into

Adventures

It feels like

My life
Stands still

Stationary

Same house

Same job
Same days

No new adventures

In site

No money

To fund
New adventures
If they came

Not sure I mind

The stillness

Given my need

For calm

Yet

Some lives spinning
Some lives still

And me here

Watching it all

Psychosis

Words that spill out fast
Unable to keep up
With the pace of thoughts
Moving faster

Everything seen

As a sign
Of something else

Numbers and patterns

And meaning
That is not there

Nonsensical ideas repeated

Certainty that you

Are someone
You are not

A very clear mission

In your mind
And no ability
To explain
The logic of it

Middle of the night

Wake ups to share
Garbled thoughts
No concept of the time
Or interruption

A loud and

Demanding
Listen To Me
Tone

And you won’t stop talking

Talking
Talking

Because you are manic

Manic
Manic

On the fast track

To psychosis

Unaware
Of how fast
You are spiraling

Oblivious

To your need
For help