I Feel Scared

I
Feel
Scared

For what

Could potentially
Be lost

And sad

That I have
No control
Over it

What Is Owed

This world is unjust

Terrible things will come

You will be asked to do

More than your fair share

It’s possible that
Your goals and dreams
Won’t happen

There are more disappointments

Than can be named

Life

Can really
Hurt

And because of this

You can sit
For a long time  
Or forever

Paralyzed from

Or raging against
The pain

You can

Find ways
To numb
What hurts

And though people

May be helpful
And empathize well

The hard truth is this

No one

Is coming
To rescue you

Everyone’s got

Their own stuff

And their stuff

Is just as hard
As your stuff

So we are together

Left with the task
Of figuring out
If this broken life
Is still worthwhile

Left with the work

Of deciding
What to do
With the hand
We’ve been dealt

Left raging

Against the knowledge
That this world owes
Every single one of us
More

Like a broke relative

That is never
Going to pay up

It owes us all
And it’s never
Going to pay

And yet

Despite
This injustice

It is somehow

Still possible  
To find

Just enough good

In this life

To forgive it

For what
Is owed

If I Could Scream

If I could scream
The truths
Of my life
Right now

I would tell you
So many things

 

I would scream

Addiction is about

To take down

My family

 

I would scream

Mental illness

Is hot on our heels again

And this time

I'm not sure

I can withstand

What it brings

 

I would scream
This life
Is not working
For me

I would scream

Screamy sounds

At the top of my lungs

 

But I don’t scream
Because no one screams
 
Because for some
Ridiculous reason
We all
Suffer in silence

Instead I smile
And do my job
Well
 

Instead I take deep breathes

And small steps forward
When I can
 

Instead I scream

So loud
On the inside
Please no more pain
Please not again

I scream

Life’s truths

As I scream

No more

And I brace

For what
Is next  

Recognition

I used to search
For signs
That I was worthy

Knowing

I was worthy
Only

If someone published my work

If I was given a promotion

If I was recognized

By someone
Higher up
Than me

If someone

Or something
External
Said I was worthy

But I had it all wrong

I know now
That the best recognition
I could ever ask for
Is my own

Me

Recognizing
Me

Knowing

My words
Are important
Because I wrote them

Respecting

My own work ethic
Because I know
It’s solid

No longer needing

Validation  
From the outside

Confirming every day

My own worth
From the inside

Empty Spaces

I hope wisdom
Comes to
Empty spaces

And pure gold

Is found
In waiting

Because though I know

Not to rush in
And fill
What is empty

Sitting

With emptiness
Hurts

But it all hurts anyway

The emptiness hurts

As much as
The vain attempts to
Fill it

So I won’t

Be ashamed
Or afraid
Of my emptiness

I will learn
To own
My empty spaces

So that

My empty spaces
Don’t own me

Some Healing To Do

I still cry
When I recall
How sweet life was
With you

I’ve still got

Some healing
To do

And I know now

From experience
That such things
Take time

I know now

That healing
Will come
When it will

Will sneak up on me

As I’m watching
The flowers bloom
The seasons change
The children grow

Still forever

I’ll carry you
Close in my heart

Forever

I’ll be in awe
Of the joy
That you brought
 
Forever I will let
The tears fall
When they will
 
There just isn’t
Any other
Way through
 
I’m still learning
How to live
Without a piece
Of my heart

I’ve still got

Some healing
To do

The Things That Time Built

I miss
The things
That time built

The comfort

That comes only
From living
Years of life
Together

The shared experiences

The learned rhythm

Of play and rest

The we

Are certainly
A family

I miss the things

That time built

Precious things

Not quickly built

And because of that
So deeply cherished
So terribly missed
 

For Noble, 7/8/2004 – 7/25/2016

You

You are not hurting
You are not afraid
You are not sick

You are not worried

You are not lonely
You are not confused

You are not angry

You are not unsettled
You are not uncomfortable

You are not feeling abandoned

You are not any of these things

I am these things

You are at perfect peace

Bathed in love
Content with rich memories of a blessed life

And because you are these things

I will do my best
To be them too

 
For Noble, 7/8/2004 – 7/25/2016