A Deep Down Fear

A deep down fear

What if

What they think
Of me
Is true

What if

I really am

A bit dull

Too literal
A slow thinker
Too sensitive
Too weak

Too trusting

Of people

Too vulnerable

For this world

What if

All that
Is true

What if

This is actually
Who I am

What if

I’ll never be
Much more
Than I am
Today

What if
This is
Not only me

But the me

I’m meant
To be

Making all

My past attempts
To become something
Different

Nothing more

Than so much time
Wasted

Control

I have
No control
Over what
My life brings

I have

Control only
Over my choice
To show up

I can

Show up
Each day
Of my life

And live

The day
That’s before me

Show up

Live the day

That is all

I can do

Early Grief, Later Grief

Early grief is
A deep dark
Lonely pit

A shocking fall

Off the highest cliff

An emotional wound

That causes physical pain

Early grief

Is unspeakably
Awful

Later grief is

A deep lonely pit
With the smallest
Bit of light

A high cliff fall

But less terrifying than before
Because it is familiar

A deep emotional pain

That is weirdly containable

Later grief
Is awful
Too

Just not

Unspeakably
So

Soul Hurts

Soul hurts
Soul breaks
Soul mends
Soul sings

And then

The process
Repeats

This

Is
My
Life

You’d think

I’d be used to it
By now

Hard Loss

It was
A hard loss

That left

A deep wound

Left pain

That’s still here
But well managed

Left pain

That will always
Exist

Left pain

That lies low
But creeps up
To the surface
Now and then

And reminds me

Not
To forget

But that’s ok

I’m not afraid

Of my pain

I will always

Be here
For it
When it comes

To stand

In awe
Of its depth

To acknowledge

How it
Has changed me

And then

When it’s time

To walk it

Back down
To where it rests

Until it chooses

To visit
Again

Figure Out Why

I can’t pretend to
Figure out why

People do what they do
Say what they say
Act how they act

Why some stay

Why some go

Why some

Disengage from life
While others run towards it

I can’t pretend

And I actually
Don’t really
Want to know

Walk with me

Through this life

Part ways with me

When you
Need to

It doesn’t change

The journey
I am on

Just

The conversations
I have
Along the way

 

Lives Lived In Them

What matters is not
The shine of the hardwoods
But the lives
Of the people
Who walk on them

Not the granite
Of the countertops
But the conversations
Over food
Prepared on them

Not the houses

But the lives
Lived in them

And this

Alone
Is why

Leaky roofs

Can still
Provide shelter

Crumbling houses

Can still
Be home

React

I like
When people listen
And don’t quickly
React

Like

When they acknowledge
What I’ve said
And let the words
Just sit there
And be
What they are
For a bit

Like

When they haven’t
Formed an opinion
Before the sentence
Is even out
Of my mouth

Like

When they know
That what
I most need
Is just
For my life
To be witnessed

And I

Can take it
From there

Deep Tired

I feel
Deep tired

Witnessing pain

Watching

The sadness
Of another
Take hold

Knowing a bit

About the road
Ahead

Knowing a bit

About this short
Hard life

I feel
Deep tired

A type of tired

Not easily relieved
With rest
 

 

Anyone Else

Is
Anyone else
Out there
Hanging
By a thread

Living

One long day
At a time

Unable to look

Too far into the future

Using every ounce

Of strength
To meet
The requirements
Of the day

Missing

What was once
A very happy
Life

Wondering

How the hell
People
Have an extra
Couple thousand
Every year
To travel
When I’m looking at
Yet another
Three year loan
To cover repairs
On a home
I can barely afford

Laughing off

The thought of
How any of my
Needs will be met
At retirement

When it’s all

I can do
To meet the needs
Of today

I’m now
Officially winging
This life

I’m not like

Other people
Who have
The luxury
Of a plan

There is

No plan
For lives
Like this

Or just maybe
I am exactly
Like other people

Just maybe

Everyone else
Is winging it too

But just maybe

Everyone else
Does a better job
Of hiding it

Hurts To Feel

It hurts
To feel

When the

Feelings
Are deep

And I feel things

Deeply
Always

More

A blessing
Than a curse
I think

To be a deep feeling girl

In a cold feeling world

To feel things deeply

Rather than not
Feel anything
At all

My Heart

My heart
Is holy ground
Sacred space

Entrance is

By invitation only

Entrance must

Be earned

And I often

Stand guard

At the door of it

Yet this heart

Has been crushed
By many
I’ve let in

And that just

Makes me
Wonder

How much more
My heart
Would have suffered

If I wasn’t

Guarding
The doorway
At all

Within Me

When I can’t
Make sense
Of the world
Around me

Which

By the way
Is always

I try

To make sense
Of the world
Within me

Try to be true
To the things
That I know

Try to remember
Who I am
At the core

Try to walk strong

Through the chaos
That surrounds me
 
Try not
To rush my days
Or wish them away
For fear
Of the unknown

Try to remember

That life
Can be complicated
And these things
Take time

And I do have time

And I can wait out

Any storm
Around me or within me
With the best of them

Emptiness

What if when
The emptiness came
We didn’t try
To fill it

What if

We let it sit there
Open and hollow

Gave it some respect

Let it have its space

What if we
Just sat there
With the emptiness
And felt it

Instead of running

As far away from it
As we could

Harden

I will
Not let
This hard world
Harden me

I will stand

In disbelief
As many times
As I need to

At the things

That happen to me

At the people

Who hurt me

At the effort required

To keep my life
Moving
In forward motion

But I will not

Be bitter

I will

Stay soft

Because
The list
Of hard people
Is already
Far too long

And I refuse

To add my name
To it

A Chapter Closed

It was
An important story
A much needed read
An essential chapter

A place of safety

In a threatening world

But it’s over

It is no more
A story ended
A chapter closed

And I mourn it

The same way
I mourn
A good book
That has made me think
Moved my soul deeply
And bettered my life
For having read it

Beautiful Gift

It really was
Quite a beautiful gift
To have had
A sacred witness

Who honored
And validated
The deep pain
Ever present
In my life

But it was

A greater gift still
To wake up
And realize
That I
Am my own
Sacred
Witness

I have learned

How to honor
The pain
That I’m living

I have learned

How to validate
The hard journey
That I’m on

I have learned

To be
In awe
Of me

Who hurts deeply always

But moves forward with courage
And walks softly with grace

That Much

To hold attention

To be looked

In the eyes
When I talk

To have time stop

When I say
What I feel
  
To be heard
To be seen
To be understood

Someday
I want
To be loved
That much

 

 

 

 

Too Late

Sometimes I wonder
Is it too late
To be part of something
Big

Too late

To link my life
To something
Meaningful

Too late

To do something
Important

That leaves

This dark world
Brighter

Than it

Could ever be
On its own

Come What May

I’m getting a glimpse now
Into how it feels
To surrender
To what’s next

Weather wise

Life wise

Understanding more

What those people
Living in places
With constant hurricanes
Tornados and fires
Experience

Here it’s blizzard

After blizzard and
Let down
After let down

The constant threat

Of losing
Home as I know it
Life as I know it

I’ve done all

That can be done

At the mercy now

Of nature
Of fate

At the mercy now

Of life
Come what may

How Life Goes

I wonder
If by
The end
Of life
All lives include
At least
One major
Devastation

The loss of someone un-losable

A jagged detour into the world of disability
A tenuous walk along a financial tightrope
The betrayal of a friend

I wonder

If this is
How life goes

Or if

It’s just
How my life goes

And if other lives

Don’t go this way
I wonder
What it is exactly
That takes up their time
Consumes their thoughts
Keeps them up at night

I guess

I just wonder
How life is
When it’s not
Like mine

Quiet Soul

I am
A quiet soul
Easily wounded
Yet strong when I am
Able always
To move forward
Alone or with company
But often
And mostly
I must say
Alone

Hard To Be Still

It’s hard to be still
To wait
To want answers
I have no way
Of getting

It’s hard to be still

But I will try

And in the meantime

I will be me
Make decisions from my core
And trust they are good enough
Because they come from a place within me
That is sincere
And means well
Always

There Are Days

There are days
I wish
For a sign
That I’m living
This messy life
Right

Days

When a kind word
Would go
A long way

Days

When it would help
To look beside me
And see someone
Stumbling right alongside

But I could wait

My whole life
For these things

So I will take

Small successes
As a sign

I will tell myself

Good job
Now and then

I will be

My own company

I will keep going

Until I can’t
Go anymore

Did You Know

Did you know
Way back then
God
The years
That were ahead
For me

Could you see

What was coming

Did your heart break too

Days prior
When you witnessed
My carefree spirit

Knowing

It was the last
You’d see that
For a while

I sometimes wonder

If I would have wanted
To see
It coming

If I would have benefited

From some strong inner voice

Warning me
That something life changing
Was on my doorstep

Telling me

To brace myself
 
To get one last
Good laugh in
While I could