I Am 46

I am 46
But will be 51
When the new windows
Just installed
To replace the ones
Literally crumbling
Off of our house
Are paid off

I am 46

With still one year left to pay
On the smartly paved driveway
Which replaced the one
With the dirt sunken holes
That made it undriveable

I am 46

And the stone stairs
That lead into my home
Have just this week
Disintegrated
Which is immediately hazardous
And imminently costly

I am 46

And have once again
Set aside my dream
Of standing in the shadows
Of the Sequoias
Even on our 20th anniversary
 
Not because we don’t deserve this
Everybody deserves this

But because

I still can’t
Afford it

And all of this
Is so incredibly
Disappointing

Until I remember
 
I am 46
With a car parked comfortably
In my paved driveway
And stone stairs
That lead into a home
With warm new windows
 
A home that is safe
A home that is a refuge
A home that is nice to be inside of
A home that is enough

And I think

How lucky I am
At 46
To have
All this

Either Or

I wonder if I
Will ever learn
How to stop
Living either or

Start
Living and

I am competent and I make mistakes
I am brave and I am also afraid
I am confident and I also doubt myself
I am peaceful and I am disappointed
I love people and I love solitude
I am disciplined and I also wonder aimless

I wonder if

I will ever
Truly
Believe

That my mistakes

Don't make me unworthy
My fears don't make me useless
My need for quiet does not make me weak

That I

Am not
One thing at a time
 
I am
Many things
All the time
 
All of us
All the time
Not one thing or the other
But more

Life Stands Still

As the lives
Of those around me

Spin with

Activity

Fill with

Opportunities

Launch into

Adventures

It feels like

My life
Stands still

Stationary

Same house

Same job
Same days

No new adventures

In site

No money

To fund
New adventures
If they came

Not sure I mind

The stillness

Given my need

For calm

Yet

Some lives spinning
Some lives still

And me here

Watching it all