Middle Space

Every time I hear about a loss to suicide (famous or not), I think what more can we do.
 
I wonder a lot about the mysterious gap between the lives we present to the world and the decision that life is not worth living. I wonder what is happening in all that middle space. What is the tipping point that turns our internal dialogues desperate? For example, the middle space of my life was once dominated by deep worry about money and what size cardboard box I would surely be living in in the future. I wonder how many others also get stuck thinking they should be further along in life by now…should be better, healthier, more stable all around. I think that working towards our goals can be great but not if we link our basic worth to the outcome. Imagine the relief of believing that my life is still worthwhile even if that means just living the rest of it as the current version of me? Even if I don’t do anything more or leave a legacy or reach any financial goal that says I was a responsible adult.
 
Deep down, I wonder how many of those we encourage to reach out for help...already have and are still finding it hard and then what. I wonder if other people’s middle space is filled with, “I was brave and reached out for help like everyone said but now that I’m out of crisis mode, I’ve been told it will be 6 months before I can see a therapist (no availability), or the therapist I just waited so long to see isn’t a good fit or the two med regimens I’ve tried didn’t work at all now what. There is serious middle space here but talking about it…wow so hard.
 
I wonder – would it help if we all shared the middle spaces of our lives more freely? If there was more open conversation around ideas like mental wellness takes time; life is deeply disappointing sometimes and not because we are doing anything wrong or; finances, work, relationships and health…all are a journey and a challenge and not one of us is getting all of these things right at the same time. 
 
I wrote the following “Dirty Faucets” essay a few years ago and it’s not brave for me to share this now because things today are a lot better for me. For example, my roof has stopped leaking, we’ve been on some great vacations recently and the debt is cleared up. But for years this was our life and it was hard. There was such daily shame around “why can’t I figure this out when everyone else around me seems to have done so?” One day during that time, I looked down at my faucets which had hard water grime on them that would not budge and it was just symbolic of a lot going wrong. 
 
Maybe one day I’ll share an essay about the things I’m worried about today - my current middle space - but one step at a time. For now, maybe we can consider this: We don’t have to get our messy lives cleaned up today to be worthy. We don’t have to earn a good life. We are worthy of a good happy life right now in the middle of the mess. And we are in good company because every person around has their own messes too…I promise they do. We are all just really good at hiding them. 

 

 

https://thoughtsongriefandgod.blogspot.com/2022/12/dirty-faucets.html 

Dirty Faucets

Note: The Middle Space essay above is the Intro to this one

I wonder sometimes how others live. Are other people’s faucets a little dirty, stained from life and hard water like mine? Is anyone else out there opening her microwave with a fork because the handle fell off, not yesterday but years ago? I look around sometimes and feel like I must be the only one this far behind. The only one approaching 50 with $0 in my savings account. Oh, it was building up for a brief moment until our house needed things that couldn’t wait any longer. The driveway we’d put off for years became undriveable, demanded paving ($7,000) and our windows were literally crumbling in their frames ($10,000). So we used up the savings we had managed to cobble together (which quite frankly wasn’t really going to save us anyway) and got a 7 year loan for what remains and that is why our savings is $0 now and it’s not like I’m in my 20’s here. It should be a lot more right? Right. A lot in my life should be a lot more. But here I am. I work as hard as anyone but staying just ahead of expenses feels forever like an uphill climb. It feels like how I’d only previously assumed that people who spent recklessly and didn’t work hard might feel. A lot of times, it feels like failure. Do others feel this? 
 
I wonder what would happen if every once in a while, we all just said out loud where we are in life so we could get a sense of what is typical and so others wouldn’t feel so lost or assume that everyone else had it all figured out. And what if we also were all just honest about the things that break our hearts and scare the hell out of us?

Ok, I’ll start. What if I told people:
 

• That I cannot foresee saving enough money to live comfortably in retirement so thinking about the future scares me.

• That our roof has leaked for 5 years despite the roofer’s best attempts to make it stop and once we find the source of the leak, our next battle will be to pay for the 5 years of damage that’s been caused.  

• That this year I’m in a delicate dance with finances trying to figure out how to fit a $5000 dental implant and a $2000 root canal into a budget that is already tapped. That I waited 2 months with a buzzing tooth for a root canal because that’s when insurance would pay half. That my multi-step dental implant process will span three years because the money needed to cover it will take that long to accrue. 

• That we paid off nearly $30K in credit card debt a few years ago and so with every new unexpected expense, debt nips at our heels and threatens all the hard work we’ve put in.  

• That our car is 16 years old and that it was 9 years old when we bought it because that’s what we could afford. 

• That planning what to do during vacation weeks is always tinged with disappointment that it can’t be something more.

• That whenever anyone asks if I have any interesting vacations planned, what I hear is “do you have $5K - $10K in disposable income to spend solely on fun this year?”  And I don’t. Well, I did last year but that involved a 6  - month payment plan and cashing in three weeks of vacation time which quite honestly, was a once in a lifetime type of sacrifice. 

• That I often wonder how one income people with kids put food on the table

• That I love my home and my town, and I chose this partner, this house, and this career. But that everything is so hard all the time with money with us.

• That I’m not sure I’ll ever get paid to do what I love or have the chance to live my dreams.

• That I have what I need but I don’t typically get to do what I want.

• That it makes me sad that my appearance will likely never again be what I want it to be (weight, hair, skin, you name it).

• That money is the thing that makes me feel like a failure no matter how hard I work or how closely we follow our budget. 

• That it hurts. 

• That it seems like many others don’t have stress around money and maybe that’s the way life is with two incomes or just maybe they are in debt but either way, other people’s lives are not my business. 

• That I don’t want anyone else’s money or life, but I would like to feel less shame about sharing that my finances are not carefree, not in the past, not now and not for the foreseeable rest of my life.  

 
I could go on and on. But I’m just one life, one story. One girl doing the best she can surrounded by others just trying to do the same.

To Stay Here

To stay here

Is to accept

 

That we might be shot

At the market

While we work

In our schools

Or simply walking down the street

 

That we are 

One car crash away

From being 

Forever changed

 

That cancer might grow in us 

Unnoticed

While we are going about our day 

Because of some poisons we breathed 

Or some chemical we ate too much of

Or for no real reason at all

 

That we risk daily

Randomly losing 

Those we hold dear

 

To stay here

Is to acknowledge

That we may never reach 

The finish line

We were running towards

The goals

We’ve been working towards

 

To stay here

Is to acknowledge

That our reason for staying here 

May likely change with time

From reaching a specific goal

To seeing how far we can get

Despite the odds 

 

To stay here

Is to stare down disappointment 

And realize 

That disappointment 
Sometimes wins

 

Yet we stay here

 

Stay here

 

Stay to rewrite life’s rules

 

Stay not because 

Life has treated you well

 

Stay because 

Perfection is a lie

 

Stay because 

The very best parts of life

Are found more easily

And felt more deeply

By those who have once

Been broken

 

Stay because

The miracle is

That we exist

For any time

At all

 

 

 

Bend

Bend with life’s changes

Change with life’s seasons

And sometimes 

Just go ahead

And be

Still