With Time

Pain
Doesn’t always
Get better
With time

Sometimes pain

Doesn’t ease
And time
Only confirms
Its depth

I think it depends on the pain

I can make

This pain
Go away

By making him

Go away

An option

That grows
More appealing
Each day

An option

Not without pain
But a pain
That would ease
Not intensify
With time

Who I Was Before

I'm not
Who I was
Before

That person

Was swept away
With my old life

So when people act

Like nothing has changed
Either because
They don't know it has
Or because
They don't want to admit it has

It is confusing

Nice but

Kind of offensive

Like getting

A compliment
On something
You no longer
Own

A little painful

Disappointing people
With who I am

A little painful

All the love
For the me
I used to be

Not much

For the me
I am now

Suck

People
Who avoid
People
In pain
Because they don’t know
What to say
Suck

I am one of those people

I have avoided

And I have been avoided

So I kind of suck too

That is how I know that

I didn’t know what to say
Is often just code for
I didn’t want to see your pain
I didn’t want to witness
What you have to endure
I didn’t want your pain
To disrupt my life
I didn’t want to do it

No one

Really knows
What to say

But words

Are secondary
To presence

Being willing to

Come alongside the hurting
Listen to the confusion
Tolerate a fair amount of ranting
See the ugliness that accompanies pain
Feel the waves of confusion
Acknowledge the dark unknown
Experience the constant discomfort
Admit that relief
Isn’t coming soon
 
It’s not about finding the right words
It’s about deciding how close
To get to the hurting

That is hard

That is what people avoid
That is what many
Aren’t willing
To do

That is why

So many

Are alone
In their pain
And no one knows
What to say

Damage

I wonder sometimes
What long term damage
He will have
From the medicines
He takes
To help him

I wonder sometimes

What long term damage
I will have
From carrying  
This much sadness inside
For this long

Neither is optional

But I do wonder sometimes

About these things
Which are
Permanently
Changing us
Both
From the inside out

Ask

I don’t ask things
Of God
Anymore

All my energy

Is spent up
Surviving

God sees all

Knows the pain of my life
Knows what is needed
Knows how the need can be met
Knows the needs that will go unmet

I believe God is compassionate

I believe God cares
I believe God works through people
I believe God works in people

So I don’t think

It’s about me
Asking God
Again and again
For what I need

I think it’s more
About God
Asking people, myself included
Again and again
To meet the needs
That God reveals
To alleviate the burdens
Within reach

Lack

Some days
Loss screams in my ear
Lack yells in my face

Tells me

How far I have to go
All I am missing
What little I have to look forward to

But I already know

What I’ve lost
I’m very clear
On what my life lacks

No need to scream

No need to yell

I can hear me

Quietly listing
Each loss, every lack
Just fine
On my own

What God Intended

So much in this world
Is not
What God
Intended

That is what

I have
To believe
                        
I have to believe
If God had things
God’s way
The world would have less
Bitter pain
Life altering damage
Unfixable brokenness
Gut wrenching grief

I have to believe

If God had things
God’s way
There would be
Deeper wells of love
Wider stretches of comfort
More time lost in laughter
Longer soul filling breathes

What is

Is not
What God
Intended

It just can’t be

Who would intend

A world like this
On people
So well loved

Strong Men

Strong men die
Nice guys have psychotic breaks
Marriages end
Disease wins
The innocence
Of children
Is stolen

Merciless suffering

Unbearable pain

This is life

The part of life

That must somehow be
Reconciled with
God loves you

It has to be reconciled

Or life will be shallow

Or there will always be

Things deep inside
Not spoken of

It has to be reconciled

Or there will be a disconnect

Between life as we want it

And life as we know it

Between God as we want God

And God as God is

A Hard Balance

It’s a hard balance
Deciding how much
Or how little now
To help him

Letting him be

Who he wants to be
Even if that means
He wants
To be no one
To do nothing

A hard balance
Living my life
Not stopping to ask
Him to come along

A hard balance living

Without asking him
To live

A hard balance living

With him but
Without his company

I’m just being polite really

Feels rude

Not to ask him
To come along
To live

But it gets old

To ask and have
The invitations
Ignored

It gets old

To keep asking

It gets old

To keep balancing
Us both