A Certain Sadness

There is
A certain
Sadness
To life

To its

Bittersweet
Ebb and flow

To the way
It plays out

All around us

And within us

Yet it is us
 
And there is just
A certain sadness
To it all

I Do Not Yell

I do not yell
Into this world

I speak softly

And those

Who are listening
Hear

Painful Beautiful Lives

If I could stop
The pain
In this world
I would

If I could stop

Lives from imploding
On an individual level
And lives from being ruined
On a global level
I would

If I could stop

Personal disasters and
National tragedies
Devastating diagnoses and
Terrorist attacks
I would

But I

Don’t have
That power

Not on a level

That matters

We live

In a world
In motion

With hearts

And souls
In motion

And only the power

The extraordinary power

To live bravely

The painful
Beautiful lives
Entrusted to us

Can't Undo

I can’t
Undo
What I’ve
Been through

Can’t un-see

What I’ve seen

Can’t un-hear

What I’ve heard

Can’t un-feel

What I’ve felt

Can’t un-live

What I’ve
Lived

And any healing
That has come
Has been the result
Of embracing
What I’ve survived

Maybe that’s why

I get so offended
By those
Who prefer
That I minimize
The impact

Who encourage

Me to
Keep hard feelings
Out of sight

Encouraging denial

At the cost
Of my survival

Encouraging me

To undo
What can’t be
Undone

Religion

If asked
What religion
I am now

I have

Only this
Response

I am someone

Who witnessed
A psychotic break
And I live
Each day
With the aftermath

And also someone

Who has done
The painful work
Of reconciling
That experience
With how I believe
God works

In the process
I have lost friends
Scared people away
By walking
The journey
Required of me

So what religion am I

I am someone

Who witnessed
A psychotic break
And I live
Everyday
With the aftermath

I’m that religion

Never Over

Today
Four years out

It struck me

Why this anniversary

Of hurt

Hurts

So much

It’s not the remembrance

Of a day
Long ago
When pain came
And then ended

It’s the remembrance

Of the day
That the life we had
Changed

A remembrance

Of being introduced
To a hurt
That will forever
Be part
Of our lives

It’s never over

That’s the point

That’s the source of the pain

The knowledge that

From that day forward
This is forever
And never
Over

November

I will
Honor
The pain
Of November

I will respect
The sadness
Within me

I won't
Ask permission
To grieve
What’s been lost

As if
Someone else
Could grant
Such a thing

I am not scared

Of November

I am only sad

I am not bitter about

Or thankful for
The pain

I am living life

As it comes

And it hurts more

In November

Laughter

I remember
That day
Back in college
Twenty three years ago
Vividly

The day

I heard him
Laugh too long
At something
That wasn't funny
And thought
Hmm
That is odd

When

Actually
That was
Mania

Who knew

I didn't then

But I do now

And this

Is why today
I pay such
Close attention
To everything

Even something

As simple
As laughter